At the Front

(Email reply to offended potential customer explaining the background on the rants)
SSG,
Why the rants? Sorry if you're offended. Your prose was such that I seriously doubt you are one of the intended targets. It actually has a purpose, but not to offend everyone or fluff my ego.
We WERE nicer for years. But eventually we came to spending about 70% of our phone time with meatheads who wanted to shoot the shit, were lonely, wanted some "army stuff", or wanted to babble for hours about their uncle Bud who was building a Panther Ausf. G from beer cans. The latest imbecile (Monday) was upset because he put his helmet in the microwave to bake the paint...and bad things happened. I'm not making this up. (That's one reason we don't give directions on painting helmets. Misinterpretations and fires...it sounds like a joke, but it's not.)
The terse language has reduced the idiot phone calls (and by extension increased our efficiency of filling orders) by a large percentage. Our job is to provide the best stuff possible as efficiently as possible. It would be nice if we had time to be a comfort line for the lonely, a historical reference and restoration info hotline and a depressed re-enactor counseling center.
The evil verbage started off as a bit of a joke a couple of years ago about some isolated incident that ticked me off, and we got a deluge of compIiments from people who agreed with the tirade. Now it's a fixture. I have always tried to be as informative as possible about specific items. I used to be polite when I stated, for example, "we do not sell paint". 5 times a day, some twit would call up, tell us he'd read it, but thought we should send him some anyway. He'd spend hours trying to pry some paint out of us. Or the khaki hounds who ask "what color khaki is it?" 20-30 times in a single conversation. (We'll send you swatches for free...)
I got snippy on the site, and it mostly stopped.
I know some people get huffy, and I scare a few off (especially new ones), but on the balance it's been worth it. I do try to balance the obnoxiousness, but sometimes it's difficult. We are busier than we have ever been and we are having trouble keeping stuff in stock, not selling it.
In a way, yes, we are doing customers in this hobby a favor; we don't lie, we don't steal your money, we make the best junk we possibly can, refunds are issued within 48 hours and we usually ship it within 24 hours. If you're new to this market, a large percentage of other companies and dealers violate any one or all of those "favors" routinely. I never thought of it that way, but that's probably right. Basically, we don't BS people and we ask the same in return.
I was raised badly I suppose...public schools...the Army didn't teach me to be nice....it's little wonder. I never took a course in customer service...and I've always known that no one is always right, not even the customer. My patience for simple ignorance is enormous. For those who refuse to listen, or who try to play us for stupid....I have none. By nature, dealing with people who want to dress up like a Panzer commander and cover themselves in medals from a war long over (and lost) and run around the house brings out some real jewels....it has worn me out after 10 years. I did nearly quit this in 2000 and go back in the Army (the real one)...but didn't. Now I've got 14 employees and cannot...so I'm stuck with this. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Anyway, that's my best explanation.
Depending on what you are looking for, these guys have the best reputations, for good stuff and straight business practices. Only the first one can be as rude as me. Our links page has contact info for each:

What Price Glory
Bill Bureau (nicest guy on the planet, ex 82nd)(German uniforms and gear)
Josh Murray (US helmets)

Likewise, try the green devils consumer guide page if you're new to this. It has links to over 100 vendors and the ratings are pretty much brutally honest. A lot of dealers in this will screw you in a minute. (But most of THEIR websites sound nice!) Here's the link:
http://www.greendevils.com/greendevils/Consumer/vendor_review.asp?varACTION=VIEW

This is more of a service announcement, yet still a bit of a rant. As some of you may have noticed, we have been in turmoil over the years about sewing insignia on uniforms. On the face of it, the choice is clear. We have lots of uniforms, thousands of patches and 55 sewing machines. And, many customers can't sew and their local tailor/ alteration shop might frown on applying swastikas. Tel Aviv Custom Tailors might be less sympathetic to fixing up your Theodor Eicke outfit...
However, as we have learned (over and over again) to our chagrin, sewing insignia is a major hassle. It amounts to custom orders. Lots of them.

This time we have changed our approach. There is now one employee dedicated to doing only insignia sewing and alterations. Machine sewing of "basic" insignia is now included in almost all uniforms shirts, jackets and coats. We are gradually applying the most universal insignia combinations to most German tunics. In many cases, this will allow us to avoid any shipping delays. US uniforms will have to be done singly since there's no way to predict which SSI will be requested. (OK, we could sew 101st patches on 87% of all jackets, but that's somehow racist..)

For the near term (November) we am going to concentrate on getting the the basics pre-sewn. Orders for Oberpoopenfuhrer Tunics with 12 TD badges, Tresse and a Krim Shield may be delayed for several weeks until the we get this taken care of.

The single biggest problem in the past was size exchanges. It is forever amazing how many people have absolutely no clue what size they wear. I don't mean trying to decide between a 42 and a 44. I mean ordering a 48L and returning it for a 40R. Some of these antics are due to MENSA members who assume we're retarded and have no idea that an overcoat is meant to be worn over other stuff and needs to be made to compensate. But most are simply people who can't read the labels in their own clothes. I can't believe there are enough nudist colonies to explain the screwball sizing problems we get.

We will allow returns this time. Now you size-challenged types can quit burning our uniforms with cigarettes so you can claim they are defective. However, there is a 30% restocking fee on any uniforms with insignia or alterations that get returned. Why am I such a Capo about this? Because when you send back that M41 with double SSI's and 1st SGT chevrons, the jacket and Chevrons are now "defective". When we remove the insignia, both it and the jacket will have stitch holes. Removing insignia will leave traces which will require us to sell it on the defect/ seconds rack at the next show. So, it would be pretty cool for all concerned if you determined your size by some means aside from us sending your uniforms back and forth with UPS for 3 weeks. (It happens more than you think.)

Here's the basics. For Kraut uniforms, the price of the tunic will include sewing for a set of EM collar tabs and a breast or sleeve eagle. For the G.I.'s, we'll put a unit patch on. Extra stuff, like tresse, chevrons, IC ribbons, cuff titles etc, etc will cost....extra. For details go to the sewing page.

Although I've ranted and raved about fat, I've neglected to get around to the other all-American nasty past time- smoking. If ever there was an activity with so many disadvantages and no demonstrable benefits, smoking has got to be it. I realize that, especially older Americans, grew up in an era when all "cool" people smoked. Despite the obvious drawbacks, it was openly encouraged. My generation was the beginning of the end of that, but the rebels felt it was a worthwhile way to show their "free will". What's that expression about being bitten in the butt...?

Living in Kentucky, one of the last real pro-smoking holdouts, is telling. Smoking bans are somehow seen as an attack on one's freedom and liberty. The fact that the smoke drifts over to everyone else in the room is of no concern to the dedicated addicts.

Moreover, those who can least afford the cigarettes and the ensuing health costs are the primary "freedom fighters". Go to the store and if you see a grungy broad with 3 unkept, screaming kids, paying for her groceries with food stamps, odds are there's a carton of "smokes" in her basket. Naw, I have no problem with paying for their chemotherapy and quadruple bypass. It's my patriotic duty. I wouldn't dream of infringing on their rights to enjoy two packs a day! Not that all smokers are on welfare, but it appears that a larger percentage of those on the dole are smokers than the rest of us.

How in the hell can anyone enjoy that filth? Let's see:
Upsides:
Gives you something to do with your hands.
Makes you look like James Dean.

Downsides:
Heart disease
Lung disease(s)
Reduced endurance.
It stinks
It makes you and your stuff stink.
Yellow fingernails and teeth.
Ashtray breath.
Premature aging. Pucker lines, smoker's voice...
Nicotine addiction.
Expensive.
Annoying.
Dangerous.
Makes your car smell like dirty underwear.

Have you nicotine lovers seen someone dying of congestive heart failure or lung cancer? I have. Two in the last month. It looks like a lot of fun. Being tethered to oxygen bottles. Being too weak to walk further than the kitchen. Having to have help to get off the toilet. Having your chest drained of fluid every week. Chemotherapy.
Where do I sign up?

I am not unaware of how deeply addiction sinks its claws into smokers. I sit next to Gina almost every day. I've offered her $5,000 cash to quit. Forget it. Didn't faze her. For the last week I've been packing her smokes with earwax from my dog (who has ear mites) but Gina hasn't seemed to notice. I guess it just adds "flavor". I'm thinking next I'll try those little things that blow up. Aren't they called "lady fingers"? Quitting is tough, but if there was one time instance that behooves you to take action, as drastic as necessary, this might be it.

Now, if there's something besides tobacco in the paper, I have a bit more sympathy. Getting high is about like getting drunk. It has a few benefits, so long as one exercises control and moderates it. But frying your lungs and skanking out everything within 20 feet of your person just for the hell of it is downright retarded. How many special olympians smoke? Even they know better.

Special Needs

It's amazing how many people are flabbergasted that we need their address. I'm not sure how some individuals assume we can send their stuff without it but...why be so secretive?
Oh yeah, we're that ATF and we're coming to break your door down, take your guns, shoot your wife and rape your dog. If you order a Thompson SMG pouch you must be hiding all sorts of illegal weapons in your compound.

Then there's the mystery packages. Returns with no name, no note, no paperwork, no phone number and no return address. Hundreds of dollars of free stuff, just for us. I thought it was common sense to at least toss a note in the box to explain whether one wanted an exchange, a refund or for Gina to send you some of her shoes instead. WTF?

I'm certain that the reenacting/living historically/busting-caps-while-wearing-nazi-uniforms community doesn't have a higher percentage of mentally challenged individuals than the general population. That couldn't be. But why is it that we seem to deal with so many people who apparently can't dress themselves, spell their own names, or wash their own clothes? And the kicker? Somebody gave these people credit cards. No wonder the economy is in the tank. I'm going to fill out applications for my dogs. And the cat.
How much worse could it get?
Oh yeah. They have guns too...

New Junk

At serious risk of inflicting migraines on Gina, here's some poop on upcoming stuff.
Please, let this info suffice.
Gina (or Steve or Nick) knows little or nothing about my schemes. So I'm asking nicely for you guys to refrain from bombarding them with questions (even sane ones), demands for preorders, photos or fabric samples for things that don't yet exist.
After months or years of development, about 40 new items are finally ready to be produced. Much of the time was spent convincing the suppliers to duplicate rather than imitate the originals. Their other customers are primarily concerned with price. After much hemming and hawing, I found that explaining to them that I wanted perfect copies, even if the cost doubled, swung the doors open and then things started to roll. All of these items are completely new generations; they are not from Sturm or SM. Some items are in production now, some are in sample form but ready to commence and a few do not exist in sample form yet, but that will change shortly. No preorders! This absolves us of having to wrestle with Mr. Murphy and his law. And, I have no desire to have a fantasy website. Being "Alwaysoutofstock.com" is enough trouble. Someday maybe we'll make size 60 waist paratrooper pants for those losers whiners. But not today...

I've spent a fortune on original samples to copy this year. I about messed my pants when I added up how much it was the other day. I just love cutting up original dot helmet covers!
Anyway...this stuff should start showing up in November. Maybe. No promises, but that's a reasonably educated guesstimate.

On that note, I'm still struggling to find one thing: A sample of the "marled" fabric used on Fallschirmjager smocks. I have 2 original smocks, but, for obvious reasons, I don't want to cut them or send them overseas. Does anyone have a grenade bag, tailored/ butchered smock or some other thing made with this stuff? Please don't waste our time with East German or Bundeswehr police garbage. I need a sample of original "marled" Splinter fabric in reasonably good condition. Just email pics and price if you have something.

German Stuff: I've repeatedly promised new duds for the Master Race. For years and years. Well, they are finally happening. I have the production samples for 44 dot and Reed green. The 100% linen fabric and colors are as good or better than anything else ever made. Better than SM, better than the Czech Peepa-Kings and sure as hell better than the crap from Hong Kong Willie. The dot will most likely pass for original. Unlike most of the other repros, our patterns are correct. Our dot tunics will use the correct SS patterns, not those for Heer Drillich tunics. The collars are wider, the pockets aren't slanted, they are placed higher on the chest and the belt hook hangars are loops, not straps. Likewise, the Army HBT tunics are patterned from real ones. I confirmed the orders last week. These should be in around November. 44 dot on Cotton twill may happen as well, but not sure. Sorry, no obscure stuff like Luftwaffe coveralls, reed-green panzer outfits or farby-ass 44 dot caps or helmet covers. Just 44 dot tunics and trousers (infantry and Panzer) and M43 pattern reed green tunics and trousers.
Also in production are V-neck sweaters and knit gloves. Both are as good as the German or Estonian-made copies of a few years ago. Other stuff includes knit shirts, belt hooks, internal suspenders and collar binds.
Further out, hopefully before the Gap panic, are Splinter helmet covers, smocks and Zeltbahns. The smocks will be from the same linen HBT as the 44 dot and reed green. If sales hold up, I hope to put Parkas (Oak, Tan & Water and Splinter) as well as Tan & Water smocks into the works shortly thereafter.

Not making the cut are other SS camo patterns and officer stuff. I have done other SS patterns before and always neglected the Heer so it's time to be fair. Hopefully in 2009. Allgemeine & SA Nazi-wear ain't happening. Ever. Likewise the Xyklon-B cans and brown-piped shoulderboards. That stuff brings out the fruitcakes. I'd hate to be responsible for someone getting singed when their cross burning goes awry.

US Junk:
New, improved M41 Jackets, M1942 Paratroopers and Tankers should be in before Christmas.
New stuff: HBT coveralls, tank tops (repro WWII, not surplus), trouser suspenders, 5 button sweaters, and US Made scarves. Also 100% wool M37 Trousers, Service Coats, and Garrison caps. We are finalizing the wool gloves with leather palms. They will be about $30 due to the wool. It's a stretch knit which forms to your hand. But the stuff is expensive. I had to buy 1500 pairs to make them happen. So I don't want to hear it...
On the "maybe" list are Mackinaws, Parson's jackets and 1st Pattern HBTs. These will depend on our sales (loot). Things that didn't make the cut are officer uniforms, overcoats and P44 USMC stuff. Maybe in 2009.
Update: Well, I got my wish. "Perfect" M41's will cost two and a half times what the current ones cost, mainly due to the 100% wool lining. The shell fabric is about 10% heavier. We're getting another quote for a 70/30 wool blend to see if that will drop them a bit. Either way that puts them at $100 or more. And, wonders never cease, Talon (Tagit-Pacific) has suddenly decided they can indeed make a pull and slide that is almost the same as WWII. I'll have to mull the idea of $100-120 M41's around for awhile. I'd buy one, but I don't know about the reat of you...

Catalog:
Hopefully by October we'll have a fairly complete catalog. This is a guess, not a promise.

Ants in the pants:
PLEASE DON'T PESTER GINA (or anyone else) for more info on this stuff. I really won't forget to post this junk on the website when it comes in. I promise. With sugar and Gina's shoes on top. Also, the smallest quantity of any of these items will be 500 pieces. We won't run out in 3 days or anything. There's no panic. No need for reservations or preorders.
Thanks.

New Junk II
&
Shipping Apologies

The little gas price thing has finally started sinking its teeth into shipping charges. Although UPS Ground rates remain, for the moment, largely unchanged, I had to raise rates for expedited service (Next Day, 2nd Day and 3 day Select) $10-20 today. A 10 pound package to Arizona now costs just over $80 to ship with Next Day Air. An envelope is about $40. US Post has raised their International rates about $10 across the board in the past week. UPS international rates are out of this world...

This may also cause some price increases in our products, mainly the next shipments of boots. I have eliminated the 2 pairs of US boots for $199 deal as our next boots will probably cost us $20 a pair for freight. Plus duties, taxes, etc. Leather and wool have also gone up, but I may be able to keep the price of most things stable. At this point, the main damage is in our ability to discount.

On the upside, this will hurt the El cheapo products more than it will good stuff. When it costs $4 to ship a $10 backpack from China (or cheap toys for Walmart) that is rough. Conversely, $4 more on a $50 high-end item is not so much to worry about. (I'm talking about shipping in freight containers, not airmail.)

On the new junk front:
I'm leaning toward the King Cat Daddy M41's. They'll probably be between $110 and $125. But, there is no Eastman or Buzz Rickson quality M41 on the market. There is one expensive M41 out there, but it's pea green and uses the wrong lining. Ours should be "all tits". We'll make less money overall on the expensive ones, and I suspect sell fewer, but this tickles my fancy...and my fancy is ultimately the deciding factor. Kind of like being left alone in the house with the dog and a jar of peanut butter. But anyway..

44 Dot would have been here already, but I'm being a pain about it. The last change is trying to use reactive dyes instead of ink so these will bleed through and fade like an original. I'm seriously considering making two slightly different shades and having the parts co-mingled like originals. That will really make the farbs and bug humpers cry, but that also tickles my elmo. The main problem with this scheme would be convincing the contractor that I really, really want them to do that and I'm not drunk.

US Tank tops, Wool gloves, wool trousers, Service coats, Garrison caps, trouser suspenders and HBT Coveralls are in production now. Likewise with German V-neck sweaters, wool gloves (with the pretty little rings too), belt hooks and internal suspenders.

Lastly, about the only things we will continue to manufacture here are US field gear items and some helmet liner components. We are working to improve the import Paratrooper Uniforms to the point which they are superior to our US Made models. It's not simply a matter of money anymore. The quality of the US made materials is suffering. I'm not sure if it's due to apathy, depression, drug abuse, poor public school education, or global warming...whatever the case, with exception to some hardware (namely snaps) the foreign companies now make superior products and have better service. I'm not going to get into all of those comparisons to social rot and the decline of the Roman Empire today. Let's just cross our fingers and hope President Obumba is able to set things straight...

We have enough US Paratrooper Uniforms and USMC utilities to carry us through 2008. After that, they are probably dinosaurs. However, as prices overseas keep increasing, as does the cost of freight, we may be able to resurrect them in a few years. We're keeping all of our machines and equipment just in case.

Why Can't You Ship
My Hat for Free?
(To Italy)

Here we go.
Again.
The smaller the item, the more insistent people are that we should ship it for free. The pest factor grows exponentially as the distance from our location increases. At the point which we are finally able to communicate "no" they switch to "put it in an envelope and use a stamp" mode. Once the item arrives, and they are required to pay duties, then the item invariably becomes "blemished" and they deserve a freebie. The Euro is like 1.5. Quit acting like Hillary.

The funny part is, we now require EMS shipping because of these thrifty types. Although the post offers cheaper options (but they are rapidly approaching price parity with EMS), they lack tracking numbers. Guido and Pepe discovered a few years ago that Paypal and some credit card providers will automatically refund a customer's payment if the shipper cannot provide a tracking number. (A postal receipt is meaningless to them.) They had a field day for about 6 weeks until we woke up and shut that one down. Even when the complaints were honest, the cheaper options ("Airmail" or "Surface") can take up to 8 weeks to materialize at their destination. These customers are usually as impatient as they are thrifty. It doesn't work.

Moreover, have you characters failed to notice fuel prices? Do you think UPS or the Post is giving discounts? It really does cost $30 or more to send any package abroad nowadays. Yes, it sucks when you only need a button, a patch or a hat. That's why it behooves you to wait until you need more things or pool together with with a friend and do a joint order. This is not our fault. (Just like diet failure.) We do not set the postal rates and we have no one in Congress or the hierarchy at UPS to shmooze or send hookers to for a special deal on shipping your hat.

If you simply cannot bear to pay shipping, then there is one very easy solution. Just come by the shop and pick up your stuff. We're open Monday through Friday...And Gina might come in on Sunday if you make nice and send her pictures of your housecat in a seductive pose.

Why Mister, why?

Not much of a rant this time. I'm bored with Obuma, Billary and low-fat/ high-carb diet rants. So, here's some answers to common questions about how and why we do some of the things we do.
Why don't you have a shopping cart on the website?
I have considered it over the years, but there are several reasons. First and foremost, I have not been able to figure out how to do it myself. However, I do know that it results in every last item having a drop down box, which would take forever and a day to retrofit to every page. Perhaps more importantly, these fields (drop down boxes) would not update themselves when we sold out of an item or a size of an item. Then we'd have to contend with the "I put it in my shopping cart so I KNOW you have one you liars" syndrome. This same lack of technology is also the reason that we don't have automatic email confirmations. So for the near future, we'll stay low tech and mildly inconvenient.
Why aren't you all computerized?
I started to do so 10 years ago. I lost my ass on a "survey" from a design company. In a nutshell, none of the out-of-the-box systems will work with the way we do orders. Specifically, making packages: 10 or more items grouped together to make another inventory item. Such activities are soooo complicated that it is beyond the capabilities of technological wonders like Peachtree and Quickbooks. So, this means we need a "custom made" system, which is many thousands of dollars, plus $25,000+ per year for "maintenance". That would pay for an awful lot of booby bar tabs, or boobies and dentures for Gina. Instead, we do what everyone did back in the stone-age. Duplicate copies and a file cabinet. Usually, we can track an order down within 15 minutes. That's cheaper than 25K annually.
On the upside, if our computer goes down, we can still operate and, best of all, there is no database of names and credit card numbers to have hacked and stolen. This makes Sergei and Pasha very unhappy....
Why don't we attend more/ every reenactment?
Costs too much and takes too long. We usually need to take the trailer to have a good selection. That cuts our already dismal fuel mileage in half. And diesel is now a rip-off. We need a day to pack, a day to unpack plus I have to pay the guys and feed them. Unless there are at least 300 people at an event, we lose money. The Gap, Reading Air Show and the SOS are about the only events that are actually profitable to attend. I do try to do half a dozen random events per year just to bust caps in a historical fashion, but it doesn't always work out.
Why don't we sell all that neat (and cheap) stuff that Hong Kong Harry and the other commies offer?
We have been offered the same products repeatedly. However, most all of them have one or more shortcomings that put me off. A practical person might work with the manufacturers to correct the errors, but then everyone and their mother would have them and it'd be shooting ourselves in the foot. So, we trudge along, gradually developing things with our own sources.
Why don't we sell Allgemeine SS, SD, Sonderkommado or Hitler costumes?
The owner is Jewish.
Why don't we sew insignia or do alterations?
Too many people have no idea what size they are. If we remove insignia it leaves stitch holes, which creates a "used" uniform. It is more trouble than it's worth. It's worth noting that few if any other vendors are willing to do this any longer.
Why don't we sell firearms?
Too much hassle with different state laws, shipping issues and there's no steady source for Garands and K98's. And the Belgians would have a fit when we refused to ship them a Carbine.
Why does the owner (me) sound so mean? Why does he insult the honor of action figure collectors?
Simply put, it entertains me and it apparently entertains a lot of other people. Dirt sells. This I discovered by accident a few years ago when I got fed up with the Feldgrau-weenies (who I later learned are tame compared to the Khakinazis) and I went off on the website. Poor Phil (who did the site at that time) was biting his nails fearing the wrath of the customers. Much to our surprise, the opposite occurred. I seemed to strike a chord. Thus, the flames were fanned and off I went. So here we are, with one of the more peculiar owner/customer relationships on the internet. Bill Maher eat your heart out. As for action figures, I just think they're gay. No matter what anyone says, they're dolls. Plain and simple.
Is the owner gay?
A lot of people have their suspicions. I was stationed at the Presidio of San Francisco for a year and I learned to talk the talk pretty well. Add to that a sick sense of humor and a penchant for buying nekkid man magazines (and the occasional blow-up homie) and stashing it in the cars, houses, packages and pockets of my friends, other dealers, and customers and you will certainly raise some eyebrows. But, no, I don't play or mate with action dolls. I just shoot them. So were does that leave us...?
When will you have a catalog?
As soon as my lazy butt can finish it. It's not as easy or simple as it may seem. It's my fault and I apologize. Someday we will have one.
Why won't you take preorders or do custom orders?
Both seem to inspire people to get belligerent. The patience required appears to be a nonexistent commodity these days, so we opted out. They aren't worth the hassles they inspire.

Monkey Business

Note to the easily offended: If you are having trouble reading between the lines on this one, the only people I'm picking on are idiots and those who take advantage of them for personal gain. I don't give a damn what shade they are. Clear enough?

I don't often discuss politics on the website. But this business with Obama and his Minister got me thinking. The more I thought about Reverend Wright's rants, the more I began to see his logic. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks outside the box.

Defense: Complicity in 9/11? Busted. Yes, the rich crackers who rule this nation did it to themselves. If you aren't internet saavy, perhaps you're unaware that the KKK invented Islam as a party prank in 1871. While beating up a young African American behind a bar in Cookeville, TN, three klan members told their victim that they were angels with a message from God: from now on, boys were for fun and women were for babies. The klansmen thought little of their deed and forgot about it. However, their unfortunate victim was actually Mr. Farrakan's great grandfather's friend's cousin's neighbor. When he recovered, his only memories of the attack were of being visited by "angels". He became convinced that their story was real and committed himself to spreading the message. During a family holiday in Arabia the next year, he shared this message with some camel breeders and it went from there. It just got out of control. So, I can readily see how it's our fault that American men have Tara Conner and Playboy and the Arabs are stuck with the Koran and young boys. Their bitterness and frustration is understandable. It's as though Robert E. Lee himself was at the controls of Flight 175. I'll be glad when President Obama gets to the bottom of this one.

The Economy: If we did break down and pay the reparations we owe anyone who has a slave in their family tree, it would be the single biggest boost to the economy in U.S. History! Do you realize the economic stimulus that giving a million dollars to every afflicted family would be? The increase in Escalade sales alone would put General Motors back on its feet in no time! And the Federal reserve can secure these payments with securities backed by Orange County mortgages. Pure genius.

Race Relations: Hillary is white? Did someone fail to tell the good reverend that the business about Bill being "the first black president" was only used metaphorically? As for her having never been called "a n*****", I beg to differ. I know of at least two guys in Texas and one in Tennessee who have referred to her as such.

Religion: If Barack really is Jesus, cool. Then he can ask his Dad where OBL is hiding and we can have a big cookout to watch the Pay-per-view stoning of that lunatic. And he really will be able to end world poverty, probably with a wave of his hand. And global warming, and Britney's bipolar problems...the possibilities are endless. But...I thought David Koresh was Jesus? Is there more than one? I thought Jesus was a Jew, not a Muslim? I'm all confused.

Health Care: But most of all, I've always been insanely curious as to just how the CIA was able to persuade an AIDS infected Tanzanian spider monkey to lay pipe to a gay airline steward in the first place. Did they tie the guy to a tree nekkid and put bananas in his ears? Or was twinkle-toes-the-monkey-fucker already prone to zoophilia? Was there foreplay? How does one ply a monkey for his milk? Is there a specific etiquette? How does that work? People want to know. Regardless, it's obvious that their plan went awry when Mr. Monkeynuts got distracted by the bathhouses in the Castro district and failed to infiltrate the Black Panther Party...so much for our sleuths. We should have subbed that job out to the KGB.

This is a first. So many people have asked about the "Kentucky Rant", that I'm putting her back up. Enhanced.
So, without further ado...back by popular demand...

KY. Jelly

We live in the armpit of the nation. The only place worse I've seen was an Indian reservation...but that's probably changed since the casino was built. The central Kentucky countryside would be beautiful...if one could bulldoze the single-wides, pick up the trash and haul away all the appliances and old cars from peoples' yards.

Despite having one of the biggest lakes (and several marinas) in the region, the county is dry. Since moving here, I have learned that all the wine mentioned in the Bible was really nonalcoholic. Apparently, one of those guys hired by King James made a boo-boo and incorrectly translated "grape juice" as "wine". Despite the prohibition on selling wine (and other devilish beverages), there are more drunks here per capita than anywhere in I've ever been.

Those Kentucky "jokes" aren't necessarily jokes. There seems to be a never ending parade of preachers and teachers getting caught "diddling" their kids (or somebody else's). Why wait for the family reunion when your sister is right there lookin' hot on the sofa? Hey Baby...

Daisy Dukes? Well, other than Tara Conner, most of the local honeys sweat Crisco, chain smoke Marlboros, sport mullets and exceed the maximum load limit of the Brooklyn Bridge. But don't think for a minute that such trivialities will stop them from wearing short-shorts and tube-tops when the weather heats up. Big is beautiful and everyone has a God-given right to display the ink that their hard-earned welfare checks pay for....
Larry the Cable Guy would have so much material he'd have an aneurysm.

The other day at the diner, I watched a hogger of the first magnitude (she needed a bra for the rolls on her back) ash on her baby's head every time she reached across the table to take a bite of her equally well-proportioned hubbie's food. Apparently, singeing junior's scalp was an acceptable alternative to working up a sweat by waddling back to the buffet for another dump truck load. Sadly, such shining examples of humanity are not difficult to find around here. By the way, would using your baby's stroller for an ashtray count as secondhand smoke? Why shouldn't health care be free?

The local pastimes include scamming social security with bogus disabilities, shopping doctors for pain-pills (which are ground up and snorted) or, for those industrious types, bootlegging. (After church of course.) Some clever parents actually coach their kids how to appear disabled or retarded in order to "draw a check" on them. Did you know, if your child becomes morbidly obese, you can get a disability check for them? Sick but true. Each time a black bear is sighted, it is reported on the radio...which is immediately followed by an announcement from the game warden not to shoot it.

Paying for cigarettes, new tattoos, beer (from the bootlegger...after church of course), new sweat pants, and ringtones takes precedence over food and clothes for the kids. And these same citizens spend quite a bit of time ranting about the "worthless" Mexicans and other minorities here and around the country. White males are referred to as "pick-up artists". They take the wife or girlfriend to work, then pick her up later so they can have the car to tool around town and meet other chicks, shop at the bootlegger's, and go back home for a nap.

Yes, I know that all of these activities occur in just about any other place in the country. However, these antics are endemic in this area and the rampant hypocrisy that goes along with it makes this a very special place.

What better place for a new reality show? All the laundry here is dirty. It'd be a ratings magnet for whatever network decided to take the plunge. Yeehaw.

Too many events?
Where does all this junk go?

While updating the events page I've noticed several organizations that are hosting reenactments as often as once every six weeks on the same site. Is this not counterproductive? It's honestly a question rather than an opinion. Over the last 25 years, I've seen a decrease in the number of large events (attendance-wise) with a dramatic rise in the number of events overall. However, the mid-sized events appear to draw about the same number of participants as they always did.

Why do I care? I'm nosey. Our sales have been increasing about 15% every year since 2000. Our mailing list (even though we haven't used it in awhile) now has about 5 times as many names as it did in 2000. About 25,000. Taking into account the number of people who think I'm an insulting obnoxious pig and won't talk to us, that means that there should be at least 60,000 re-enactors (and living historicallies) around. So, logically, one would assume that you'd see more people out on the playground. Where are they?

Yes, I realize that there are a number of good reasons for the increase in the number of events. "Band of Brothers" reruns...the price of gas makes local or regional events far more attractive. When I was younger, many guys made the yearly Haj to the "National", the Gap and Ft. Story no matter how far away they lived. I'm not going to blame the quick-easy-convenience craze, but it's a factor.

Bigger isn't always better I know. However, the larger events tended to draw more armor, vehicles in general, good vending and usually were a good time. Now the Gap is about the only one left.

So what gives? We're sending out a helluva lot more stuff than in the past. What are you guys doing with it? Eating it? Selling it to the Taliban? Just like to hear Gina's voice? Using it for wrapping paper? Tossing it down a well? Where is it all going? It doesn't make sense.

Answers:
Yes, I know there are quite a few airsofters (not sure if that's the proper term), alot (about 15%) goes overseas, some stuff goes to museums...but I'm not too sure about the preparations for a race war. Somehow paratrooper outfits don't fit that bill as well as Real-tree coveralls and MAK90's. However, I don't think these would be enough to absorb the amount of stuff going out. If you think I'm complaining, I'm not. I shouldn't care where it goes so long as it goes and we make loot, right? But curiosity killed the cat...and according to Mr./Mrs. "Zarzoff" below, we're a bunch of felines so it stands to reason.

What inspired the "Rants"?

This makes two grand prize winners in a week. We haven't had any juicy hate mail in a very long time, despite my best efforts to aggravate everyone imaginable. I feel like crap today and Gina's mad because I licked her keyboard and gave her my cold. And then I saw this! This one made my morning. It gave me a smile. (Really).
But it defies explanation. Since he (or she, Terry being a unisex name) apparently won't reply, I guess the meaning (if there is one) will remain a mystery. Can anyone shed any light on this? Especially naughty words have been disguised by me to prevent our patrons' virgin eyes from being burned. Otherwise this is verbatim, spelling errors included.

"Hey you c*nts are THE FU**ING RUDEST people.......what sort of chip is on your shoulder??? ANYONE whop reads your webpage would just AVOID your business............
You have lied your asses off listign sh*t anyway.......so it goes with the attitude huh?
Exapmles??? JAP ARMY APS DIOD NOT ALL HAVE A REAR OPENING NOR STITCHING FOR THE REAR FLAPS. YOU JAP HELMETS ARE NOT SO FLASH AND $80 DEARER THAN ANY OF YOUR OPPOSITION....MOVIE PROPS???? what fu**ing props???? piss poor effort........and where did you get it all??? 2 truck loads and all you have is 21 sh*t guns and a dummy water bottl??? give me a break......
Why not close your doors and light a bomb??? do us all a favour...........and and save your time replying to ME........I wont get your sad story to read.......it will be delted before I get it.......lol"
terryzarzoff@hotmail.com

And this person wonders why we have a "rant". I can't explain it either.

Rollin; the megalomaniac who hates reenactors

Yes, Mr. Mean and nasty, hater of living historians, Action Figure collectors, khakinazis, skinheads, and white people. People are damned funny sometimes. I got this title from a post on one of my favorite sources of information...an internet forum. I doubt this person even knows me. They may well have been the target (or cause) of a rant in which case I'm smiling. If not, chalk it up to collateral damage. Just for fun, I'll tell those of you who this sociopath is and how this all came to be.

I started reenacting in 1981 when I was 13. I feel no need to define myself as still among the living and I don't have a history degree so I prefer the more proletarian term "reenactor". Initially with the Art Obermeyer's 38 Jagers, then GD based at Ft. Knox. Finally, Fred Poddig relented and let me join the LAH at 15. We actually humped to the field, sometimes several miles each way. No minivans or slurpee cups. Pyro was pyro. Artillery simulators are awesome. Panzerschrecks and Bazookas fired styrofoam projectiles powered by model rocket engines. We fought/ played in the rain and snow. Dirt was cool. It made you look "real". We heard horror stories from Civil War reenactors about the political squabbles, fragile egos and rampant insanity that paralyzed many of their events and gave thanks that our hobby was still fun.

ATF got going in 1993. Originally as CNS (Nevermind what that stands for). Then "Anderfront" was chosen during a 20 minute brainstorming session when we were trying to do our first catalog. Too many people knew what CNS meant, and it was deemed unprofessional, even by my standards. A few years later, it was again changed to the English form as I grew weary of having to spell "Anderfront" to each and every person we dealt with. My meanness began around 2000, when I offended some over sensitive types with a rant about German field gray. Abusing customers gave me such a rush that I can't stop. It's like an addiction.

I don't actually hate anyone that I can think of. I do regard some re-enactors as blithering idiots, but this holds true for much of humankind, so I think I'm pretty reasonable to hold that opinion. On the whole, you guys are on par with the general public, even if the male republican crackers are a bit overrepresented. I do listen to opinions that run counter to my own, and am open to changing or modifying them. However, I despise the political correctness or today's society. I prefer the bare naked truth, without a lot of negligée. Hence, my beef about people attempting to draw a line between "reenacting" and "living history". It's like calling a "retard", a "special person". Yes, all of us are special, but some are still retards. It's a fact, not a judgment or a criticism. If being confronted with inconvenient truths offends you, then you have problems that aren't mine to solve.

As for my megalomania, that's not quite the right word. I don't have delusions of grandeur. I'm not an extrovert nor a type A personality. When I get fed up with something or someone, I have the tendency to show it, which in this case means posting it on my website. Most businesses operate with the principle that "the customer is always right". I may be a maverick or a sadist, and I have been called the "Antichrist." (My MP44's serial number is 666 (no shit), but I haven't set the Rottweilers on any priests recently so that's probably just a lucky coincidence.) In any case, dishonesty, pretentiousness and insincerity annoy the hell out of me, so for me to operate that way would run counter to what few principles a monster like myself has. Americans like dirty laundry, so perhaps it's just marketing savvy, but I don't think I'm that clever. Just dumb luck. The result of all this is that I often air opinions or say things in ways that would give many other business owners heart failure. Fortunately for me and this company, my tirades have generally been well received, perhaps because I am simply stating obvious and generally held opinions, but ones which many people are afraid to voice. The only megalomaniacal part here is that I know my company is strong enough to get away with it. Were we smaller and less secure, I might not have taken such chances. But I would have felt better if I did.

In short, the world of late has run on bullshit. And I do not like bullshit. Ask my friends. I'll mail them dead animals, feed them catfood on crackers, put gay porn in their cars, and dead fish in the toilet. But I draw the line with when it comes to poo.

Outofstock.com

The America of the 21st Century is really pathetic. We've become a nation of fat, rude, unappreciative, spoiled whiners who are so accustomed to having our every whim and urge catered to that any denial of our desires can inspire epic shit-fits the likes of which Bobby Knight can't touch. It'd be funny were it not so prevalent and indicative of larger problems with our empire...
I'm tickled pinker than Dr. Ruth's birth canal to have been informed by a few scholars of the militaria business, that we are now unofficially known as "Outofstock.com". I'm flattered. What a catchy name! Sadly, that URL is already taken. Anyway, it seems that my decision some years ago, to post availability tables for many of our products has caused intense emotional distress as well as irreparable and permanent damage to the self-esteem of legions of re-enactors. (Most seem to be "paratroopers" but I shall avoid flogging any one group lest I be labeled a racist too.) These tortured souls have failed to understand two important facts:

1. I put the availability information on the site in an effort to keep everyone up to date, not to torment. Imagine the agony of assuming that your hat size was actually in stock, only to be informed hours or even days later that it is not! Sounds like a lawsuit to me. With us, one can simply go to the respective page and see what we have without even having to risk a toll free call. Unlike other companies, I try not to advertise things we don't actually have. I do not want to have a fantasy website.

2. The lack of availability charts (and hence those traumatizing "sold out"s) on most other militaria websites does not mean that they have all items in all sizes in stock all the time. Those companies choose, for one reason or another, not to offer any such information. Not that it makes us better (or worse) because we do, but some guys don't have the time while others have their sites edited and updated by third parties making it expensive to change their site every day. I assumed the charts would be a customer friendly tool.

Yes, it is true that I am a mean and hateful jackass who derives immense pleasure from tormenting my fellow primates, but this was not one of those instances. That I did so inadvertantly does give me a tickle.

Were I truly crafty and more in tune with the tactics of customer manipulation, I would eliminate all mention of stocking status and strive to cultivate an aura of exclusivity by starting a campaign titled "worth the wait". We could even charge more for the same (or lesser quality) products and toot our horn with gushing customer testimonials. Then, having money on long-term loan to us for months (or worse) while you awaited your treasure could become a status symbol. A topic of titillating conversation over a dinner of Chefboy ardee and diet green tea... The longer we kept you waiting, the more envious your friends would be...

The whiners are impossible. They pee their panties if I list an item as "sold out", if I don't update the pages daily, and even if I fail to list items that they want but we have never had in the first place. Please know that my limited command of the English language precludes me from being able to express the depths of my pain that we cannot fulfill your particular flavor of militaria fantasy today...
Psych.
Go dry your taint and put on a new diaper. It's really refreshing and you'll feel better in a jiffy...works for me.

So, I'll wager the whiners. It won't be easy to figure out, but I'll bet that we here at Outofstock.com have a better "in stock" percentage of inventory than anyone else. You geniuses determine a practical way to inventory the other dealers and we'll compare. I'll give you a free case of Boones if I'm wrong.

As for the nasty ones who have taken to calling Gina a liar and cussing her out because their boots* aren't in yet, be aware of a few things:
-If Gina is in a bad mood, then I'm in a bad mood.
-To cheer myself up I like to send roadkill to people. And gay porn. And NAACP memberships.
-It's amazing how easily orders can get lost.
-Gina has been known to accidentally send your invoice to the house rather than to work where your wife won't know about it.
Were it not for jackasses, we wouldn't have rants now would we?

*I changed the boot restock estimates from November to December because I forgot that a disturbing percentage of you don't understand that November has 30 days in it. On the 1st, they call and scream "you lying sons of bitches" when informed that they aren't in yet. The boots are enroute, but it may be the 20th, or the 30th or even December depending on myriad factors. Due to the squalling, I have forbidden ALL future preorders.

WARNING!
This first rant was and is a joke!
It's not true.
OK? Don't pee your pants.
Again.

Grigsby Militaria
Due to an unexpected and completely unwarranted federal investigation by the department of agriculture and the TBI, Eric Grigsby will be temporarily unavailable and unable to access his email or inventory in the near future. His attorney's hope to have the matter resolved quickly. Hopefully within 4-6 weeks he will be able to operate again. Please refer all questions concerning your orders with him to Charlie at 931-537-9165

Notes:
The number is Eric's normal shop number.
Charlie is a story unto himself which we can't share.
Panic ensues...

The necessary follow-up/ antidote....

Grigsby Militaria
is still in business

1. Yes, he's still in business! He's having issues with the morons who host his website. He and his business are very much alive and not in jail. You panicked goat ropers need to take a valium and stop squalling "thief" and "out of business" all over the internet when a vendor's website goes down.

2. Do NOT call us looking for your order with Eric. We don't have any information about your damned helmet! We couldn't help you even if we wanted to. Please refer all questions concerning your orders to
Grigsby Militaria
931-537-9165.
Warning! They are going on vacation from 12-20 March.
No one will be in the shop so don't stroke out again.
No, this is not a joke.

3. Grigsby Militaria consists of Eric and his wife. He doesn't have a full time dedicated phone slave. It is sometimes difficult to reach him. He frequently goes to shows, runs to the store for paint, has to eat lunch and of course, paint helmets. He can't hear the phone when he's in the paint booth! If he doesn't answer the phone, or reply to your email faster than greased lightening, then he's just busy or out of the shop.
The guy is honest. Slow sometimes, but very much legit.

If you just can't wait, this may help. You all have finally nagged enough that we'll give it up. We can't take all the pressure. Just don't tell him that we told you. It's our little secrect. Here's his private "dealer's only" 24/7 helmet service phone number.
Call anytime!
502-454-7613

4. Why on earth would you call another dealer to check on your order anyway?? Who raised these people?
"Duh..hello, LL Bean, yes, umm I placed an order da Sportsman's guide a few weeks ago and I don't have it yet. Could you get it for me. "
WTF????

The Rant
Rant Archive

Garbage Gear

Over the last several years, a large selection of reproduction US field gear has been produced in China, India and Pakistan. Some is available on ebay directly from Asia and other items are offered via online catalogs and Shotgun News. The prices are tempting, but the rest of their attributes are about as attractive as the 50 year hookers working the truckstops on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Yes, from a business perspective, I have good reason to bash my cheaper competition. Not infrequently, we get the wise-ass calls informing us that Rocco was able to find a reproduction cartridge belt for $19 from Meathead Outfitters. Almost as often, Rocco's wife calls back to order one of our belts (or whatever) while he meekly gives her instructions in the background after the $19 wonder-belt blows apart. Many people fail to realize that there are at least half a dozen different manufacturers of this stuff and the quality varies wildly.

If I so desired, I could offer those same products myself but choose not to. Why? Because they suck. It's a convenient truth for us, but it is indeed the truth.

All of the US made US WWII field gear is superior to the cheap crap from Asia. So far as I know, there are three main manufacturers in the USA. ATF (us), AP Co.(usually sold by other dealers but marked "AP Co."), and WWII Impressions. I have not seen the gear offered by the latter, but he is not known for making junk so I suspect it's good. I mentioned the other manufacturers to be fair and try to convey an air of objectivity. Maybe it'll work, maybe not. I'm satisfied with the concept.

What's my beef with the cheap stuff? Can't stand the competition? Hardly.
What makes it so bad?
Although a handful of items are acceptable (we carry 3), nearly every piece I have examined (yes, I buy some of the competition's junk just to verify that it's still junk) has suffered from the same problem. Poor materials. The workmanship is usually good to excellent. Meaning their sewing machine operators can sew straight. However, they do get rather careless when placing and setting eyelets and rivets...

Webbing and Canvas: One manufacturer (Mil-Tec/ Sturm) has a number of items made from nylon webbing, most notably their pistol belts and 10 pockets. That sends them packing without further analysis. The others that do use cotton, or canvas and webbing with some cotton in it, suffer from loosely woven cloth that is usually too thin. This saves money, but results in frequent, often catastrophic failures. It's the primary reason that the eyelets rip out and the straps rip loose from their bindings. Lastly, one smaller manufacturer actually uses hand dyed (dipped?) fabrics which exhibit wild shade variations and it does a good chameleon impression when exposed to sunlight. It's really cool.

Hardware: Even more abominable than the cloth materials is the hardware. The Chinese in particular have an intense desire to conserve metal. Most of their hardware that should be steel or brass is actually copper or tin. To make matters worse, nearly every last piece of hardware, whether it is snaps, grommets, hooks or ball tips is 30-50% thinner than the US made equivalent. (Yes, I checked them with a caliper.) Combined with the softer metals, their performance is abominable. Lastly, namely in regard to eyelets, the imported gear uses almost exclusively the wrong size grommets. Who cares? You should. The narrow flanges and oversized center holes result in them ripping out after even moderate use.

Reproduction Cartridge Belt Comparison
Make	Webbing	Hardware
ATF	100% cotton, shuttle loomed	Original spec, all US made. Scovil, Anchor and Stimpson products.
Mil-Tec	Nylon. No more need be said.	Cheapest possible. Plastic(?) front hooks and wrong size, poorly and incorrectly set eyelets.
Hong Kong	Appears to be cotton. Loose, wrong weave, too thin.	Bizarre pattern pot metal front hook, no inner straps whatsoever, poor quality press studs and sloppily set, wrong size eyelets.
What's my hang-up on eyelets? The eyelets on cartridge and pistol belts must be the correct size, type and be set properly in the right location(s). Why? Because suspenders, shovel carriers, canteen covers, etc, etc, must be able to fit and the eyelets must be able to support the weight and survive the rigors of running about the forest. Buy one and you'll likely find out what I'm talking about the first time you use it. The cheap belts usually retail for $35-45 depending on the vendor. Both are offered from multiple companies. There are several other, even more awful, repros available, some as low as $20. Ours are $100 but considering the lot-lizard belts will last about one event, you can do some quick math and see what sort of savings they really are.

Yes, we have some stuff made in China too. We are currently working on Leggings and Haversacks with our Chinese contractor. Both items require so much labor time that they are excessively expensive to produce in the USA. We are going to purchase the hardware from Scovil and Stimpson, and have it shipped to the factory overseas. The canvas is being contracted here by a canvas company that knows their stuff, and made in China (the US plants are KIA), and made to the correct specifications. Some of the foreign companies can produce damned good products, but it's a lot of work and oversight to get it done right.

The Garbage Gear is acceptable in some circumstances. Garbage Gear should hold up for static displays where it won't be disturbed. Undead Historians who like to reenact with empty ammunition pouches and canteens and backpacks filled with nothing heavier than Twinkies and styrofoam blocks should be OK. So long as you don't move suddenly (like run or fall down) or attempt to do anything strenuous (like low crawling) it will probably last for awhile.

Go ahead, prove me wrong: If you think I'm simply spewing propaganda in an attempt improve our flagging sales, then I urge you to prove me a liar and waste some loot on the garbage gear. 90% of the time, an item that is priced 50% less than another is cheaper for good reason. In this case, the savings will end up costing you in the end...

Smokin' in the Boys Room

Wouldn't it be a nice change, albeit a shock, if a public figure simply fessed up and admitted their responsibility when they screwed up? Lying poorly has become standard procedure. Repercussions are minimal, unless you happen to lie to a grand jury. And these weasels wonder why nobody believes a damned thing they say anymore.

Politicians have always been suspect. Granted, to varying degrees, bullshitting goes with the territory. However, during the last 20 years, the quality of the bullshitting has dropped dramatically. In the past, most public figures at least made an attempt to make up a semi-believable cock and bull tale to cover their arse. There was a tacit admission on their part that they were not smarter than everyone else in the nation. Nowadays, they don't even do the public that courtesy. There's no plausible deniability. We are expected to believe whatever they tell us, simply because they say so.
Like preachers.

What do you suppose would have happened if Clinton had simply stood up and said, "yea, I took her for a desk ride", instead of all that parsing of the word "sex". It would have blown over far more quickly. I might have voted for the dude just because he acknowledged that I'm not that stupid. He’d still lose points for his poor choice in women, but being honest would have been brownie points. Had Bush or Rumsfeld admitted in '05 or '06, that they "screwed the pooch", and then proceeded to lay out their plan on how to remove their wieners from Fido the Iraqi wonder dog, their jobs would have been so much easier. And more troops might be alive. But no, they simply took Goebbel's motto. "A lie told often enough eventually becomes the truth." Too bad for Ted Haggard, nobody bought the part about just delivering meth to his man-friend.

Where did this trend of poor quality lying originate? I think it started with the church leaders. Denying the obvious sure did a lot of good for Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, and Cardinal Law. Admit the obvious? No. Deny, deny, deny. Then the "me generation" (read: “anyone's fault but mine generation“) decided to try their luck with the routine. Despite its abysmal track record, politicians, entertainers and athletes persist in trying to utilize this tactic. Why is a mystery to me. Has it ever worked? Besides O.J.?

There are exceptions to this. If you're Senator Craig, it's OK to lie. Any guy caught cruising to smoke pony in a men’s room should lie their ass off and pray God gives you a hall pass and makes the entire population of planet Earth momentarily brain dead. Even if you aren't a "family values" kinda guy, having the public discover that you get your rocks off slithering around on the floor of public toilets to milk chicken is downright embarrassing...

Why doesn't just one public figure tell their pollsters and media consultants to go to hell and play the honesty card. The shock value alone would guarantee weeks of free air time. Instead of "I don't recall", try "yes I did." Instead of "what do you mean by "relationship"?" try "what would you have done if you were married to Hillary?”

And, when things go to hell in a handbasket, and it’s painfully clear to even the dumbest of hillbillies, just admit that you were wrong, take responsibility for a bad decision, and get on with trying to solve it. Denying that an obvious problem exists will only make things worse. And you probably won't get reelected anyway.
If the concept of honesty is good enough to teach our kids, why isn't it good enough for the leaders of the our country?

All Inclusive Reenacting

I finally remembered to get around to this beef. The "East meets West" fad in reenacting scenarios. I understand, some promoters feel this is a good way to maximize their attendance, but this is not the way to do it. From a historical point of view, it's accurate only to a point as it occurred in the last few weeks of the War. Granted, it is more notable than portraying the British Freekorps, but it was a minimal event. From a practical point, there are so few Russian reenactors as to make the whole exercise pointless. Furthermore, it may actually hurt the few Eastern Front events that actually do occur. If you want everyone to come, take inspiration from Las Vegas. Toss out the mafia, and make it a family affair. Open the gates to the Civil and Rev War reenactors, Trekkies, the Society for Creative Antagonism, and Gulf War reenactors. And don't forget the buffet.

We seriously need more Russians. It's a cool (and cheap) impression. Dan Welch tried for many years to breathe life into the starving horse, but Russian reenacting still struggles to do more than lift it's head and fart. And the Red Army did have paratroopers....

Stamp It!

Apparently this topic is in need of a rehash. Periodically we get beseeched, lambasted or cursed by collectors who insist that we need to stamp "reproduction" prominently on all of our products because "one of their buddies" got burned. I put "one of their buddies" in parentheses because I suspect it was they themselves who got singed but they're too embarrassed to admit it. Anyway, the answer is "no". Was, is, and always will be "no". Why? Although this may seem nonsensical to the novice enthusiast, there two simple reasons for this.

One, money. The word "reproduction" or "fake", even on a small label would ruffle the feathers of many undead historians. It would impugn their sense reality and cause their time-warp to malfunction. Just knowing that the label in your jump trousers said "reproduction" would be like having a case of crabs. Many of our items are essentially marked as "fakes". The names ATF, Kirkman or Crawford are not original WWII manufacturers. Markings are like icing on cakes. Many people adore them. A mediocre reproduction with beautiful markings will outsell a perfect copy which is devoid of them.

The second reason is that it would promote ignorance. Although many of our products are of excellent quality and accuracy, most are readily distinguished from originals...if you have spent some time to learn about and examine originals. I know, educating oneself is an anathema to today's Americans because it involves effort (AKA work) and no one can do it for you. If you want to collect anything, it is your responsibility to familiarize yourself with whatever it is you want to sink your money into.

Most of our customers prefer realistic markings for reasons of aesthetics rather than as an aid to perpetrate fraud. Those who are intent on screwing others will not be stopped by a label. Conversely, if the neophytes got it in their heads that all reproductions are marked as such, think how much easier they'd be to screw...should we stamp originals..."original"?

Fluffy the Farb

Occasionally I become bored or inebriated enough to browse some of the living history (AKA Reenacting) forums and message boards. What I have gleaned from the blather is it's obvious that this nation is in trouble. In the same way that the "news media" is too enthralled with Paris Hilton's stint in the can or the paternity of a dead gold-digger's kid to report on world events of actual importance. The as yet undead historian's have not failed to be infected by such priority-dyslexia.

One that best illustrates my point, was a well written and amusing critique about one of the repro German helmets made in India. The majority of the focus concerned all that was irrelevant...at least to old school jerks like myself. The packaging was discussed in great detail...the fact that the paint had a good finish and didn't appear to have any blemishes or imperfections...but there was a loose rivet (split pin) that the guy was able to avoid chipping the paint on when he tightened it. How about more prescient concerns? Such as, did it fit? Does it compare well with the real thing? Is it made properly?

Earth to the undead historians; WTF do you think will happen to the paint the first time you take this into "combat"? Many people now expect military uniforms and gear to meet the same standards that the Rolls Royce restorer uses to inspect the new dash insert he received for his Corniche Convertible. Then these same brandy and caviar connoisseurs pay the helmet restorers hundred of dollars to "age" their Rolls Royce skull caps. We can actually charge extra to beat on Fluffy's precious helmet..to make it look used. But if there's a chip in the paint when he first receives the thing...watch out. I used to regard myself as nuts... but I've been outclassed.

The quest to "look real" is a constant one in this weird little world of undead history. But like the Walrus epidemic sweeping the nation, the solution is maddeningly simple. In the rare instance when I still dress up to bust caps and "relive history", I still get pestered about why it is that I look so "real". They shake their heads when I simply tell them to strive to look like shit. I was a soldier at one time. In the field, you don't care about the shine on your boots, the creases in your trousers or whether or not the paint on your helmet has a damned chip in it. The only thing I wash is my undershirt (I don't wear underwear...freeballing in wool pants is invigorating). My pants are torn and patched, my MP40 has hardly any bluing, my helmet cover is frayed, my cap is mashed from being stored in my helmet liner, my boots are comfortable but have seen better days, my canteen cup is still somewhere in the woods at Pioneer OH, and my E-tool is caked in mud. But my bayonet is sharper than a Gerber, I have spare socks, plenty of water, a cleaning kit, and extra ammo. I don't smell as bad as I look. The guys who do the Marine impressions at the Reading airshow have what basically amounts to groupies. Other reenactors fawning over how real they look. Tip: You can look filthy too. Soot + olive oil makes great sweat stains.

You can't "be there", the War is long over (yes, I'm sure) and most of you aren't German. However, one can at least try his best to play the roll decently. Keep yourself in shape, wear and learn your uniform, and get dirty. Yourself. It won't take long, if you actually go out and play. If you just want to stand by the display and impress the chicks sipping Gatorade...well, get out the rocks and the cold blue...or your wallet.

I found a nice recipe on the Columbia, Ky Forum. I thought it appropriate to share this regional culinary treasure with our customers. Irrelevant but informative.

Deep Fried Cat

First, decide whether you want to fry a dead cat or a live one. Each approach requires a drastically different approach, however, the ingredients are pretty much the same.

1 clove garlic
2 sprigs of fresh thyme
1 twig from a dogwood tree
2 twigs from a pussy willow
A dash of paprika
A splash of grain alcohol
1 box of Altoids
A pinch of salt
5 gallons olive oil

I, for one, favor using very few spices. After all, if you are going to cook cat, why mask the delicate flavor? For the true cat afficianado, I recommend cat sushi or pussy sashimi. Yummm! But if your heart is set on deep fried cat, read on.

The list of ingredients is very simple, as you can see, but the appartaus required can be daunting!

1 three foot by three roll galvanized wire
tin snips
1 pair elbow length heavy duty rubber gloves
eye goggles
ear plugs or ear muffs
Clear acrylic face shield
Leather apron
Apple corer
large forceps
large rubber mallet
stainless steel cable

Whether you are preparing a live cat or a dead one, the first step is the same: removing the naughty bits. Use the apple corer to do this. Hold the cat upside down by the tail and carefully remove all the naughty bits. Set aside in a bowl.

Bring the olive oil to a boil. Rat the box of Altoids and take a deep breath because if your cat is alive, the kitchen is going to be a very noisy place!

Wrap the cat in the wire and trim off the excess wire with the tin snips. Form into a round ball by beating with the rubber mallet. Tie the steel cable to wire ball containing the cat and slowly lower into the vat of boiling olive oil.

It's been said for a long time that honesty is the best policy. Nobody's perfect, but when it's the best one to follow when it comes to ordering from us. Almost every day, we have some sort of peculiarity crop up where the customer lies their ass off hoping that we'll correct the problem of their own making. Tip: Even if it goes against our stated return and exchange policies, we will often make exceptions. But this depends on the honesty and the jerk-off factors. If you tick off Gina or Rollin, it's over. How to do this? The A number one way you can accomplish this task is to claim that we "told you to". Categorically, if you have done one or more of the following and are considering blaming us for personally recommending that you do so, think again:

1.Ordered the wrong size. We are adamant that you do NOT try to second guess us and order a coat that 3 sizes larger than what you normally wear. If you wear a 36R, but think we're too dumb to make it oversized...and you order a 48L...your brain malfunction is not our fault.
2. Washed your uniform and want to return it because it didn't shrink enough. After my first nasty experience with cotton in 2000, we oversize everything about 10%. But if the pants you ordered fit like overalls, then you need to exchange them for a smaller size. The shrinkage is slight. About 1". Not 6.
3. Bleached anything. Go ahead. Just try telling Gina that she told you to bleach your stuff. And keep licking the windows while you're at it.
4. Claim that "Rollin" told you anything. Rollin doesn't do orders. He rarely hangs around the table at shows. He is the worst salesman in the world, as when he does happen to be around, he'll send you off to someone else's table who has a better deal. And he does not dye boots, tell a 140 pound guy that he looks great in that XXL, promise that MP40 blank adapters work great on Garands, or urge you to invoke his name when calling the shop for great deals.
5. Make shit up. If you are too embarrassed to tell us that your wife sat on your helmet and crushed it, at least make up a believable scenario. It didn't "just collapse" like a cake with no yeast. We can see the cellulite dimples in the thing! Tell us that it was your Mother-in-law.

I have been wrong. One guy returned some German boots with shriveled and fossilized soles claiming that they "just did this" when they dried out after getting wet in grass. I was wrong when I said it was obvious that he had dried them out next to a fire. In reality, he had put them in a dryer. Just when you think you've seen it all...

If it's obvious that you are telling us tall tales about what really happened, more than likely we aren't going to give you a freebie. If the truth is really funny, or extremely sad, and I am entertained, I may meet you in the middle on the deal. If it's so twisted or insane as to make good rant material, it may make you famous. Everybody has their "Special" days. Those days when you do things that you knew were stupid, but the little voices in your head persuaded you to do anyway.

It's OK. I understand. But I don't ask people to pay me when I do something retarded.

This game has gone on since we started this business in 1993, but lately it's being taken to new highs (or lows depending on your perspective.) It goes like this. Oberfuhrer McFly wants an Oberbumsenfuhrer Cap in size 62 with brown piping, or perhaps a BOB outfit in a 49 extra short. (The majority of McFly demands are for U-Boat commander outfits. Is there a meaning to this?) He checks the website or calls, and is informed that said item is sold out or that we do not have it or we have never had said item in the first place. He is told that "sold out" means that no, we really, honestly, do not have any of said item: Not anywhere in the building, not at home, not buried with the dead coeds in my Mom's backyard nor in the trunk of Gina's '78 Berlinetta. Not to be deterred, McFly places an online order for said item anyway. If we don't have said item listed, McFly makes up a price for us and types it in. Just to be helpful...

The new twist for 2007 is this: In previous times, McFly might submit the order every day for a month, hoping I would rub my thigh and make said item magically appear. In McFly's world, "I ordered it" equals "it will come." Sounds like some cheesy line from a Kevin Costner movie. In 2007, the McFly's of the universe are taking the proactive approach and have resorted to verbal abuse. Yelling. Calling the staff here bad names. Threatening Better Business Bureau action if we fail to deliver their U-Boat uniform.

Now, you retards may not know me, but I love this sort of thing. It gives me inspiration to write rants, which makes you mad, which makes me very happy. I like happy. Happy is good.
After all, all work and no play does makes Jack a dull boy....
Why is Gina locking herself in the bathroom?

Anyway, I want to thank these window lickers for providing me with new material. Keep it coming. I still have no plans to make U-Boat or SA uniforms, but you guys are so absurd as to be entertaining.

Note: This is not to knock people who call and ask about items they can't find on the site or even those who don't comprehend "sold out" very well. It's for those who, despite being told the honest truth (i.e.: "we don't have any of those" or "they are ALL gone") proceed to break down and have a hissy fit and act like spoiled brats who need their Ritalin or an encounter with the Daddies belt. Yes, adult men do such things more than we ever expected.

I know Rollin!
Every year after the Gap or Reading, Gina gets harassed by my new buddies. Tip: the fastest way to send her into orbit is to call her up and explain to her that since you met/spoke with/looked at Rollin at "the event" you are now entitled to special deals, free stuff or simply have no use for her and need to deal with me directly. I'm not sure who she loves more; "friends of Rollin" or the guys who feel compelled to spell "Smith", "street" and "lane" for her. Yes, in some cases I do tell certain customers to specifically call and tell Gina they spoke to me and ask her for/ about such and such. But I usually tell her this ahead of time and it is once or twice per event and 9 times out of 10 it involves an exchange. So, try the "I know Rollin" angle at your own peril.

Second, we have had three recent incidents with visitors to the shop. It never fails, each time we permit people to dig around, they invariably make a beeline for the corner office or my office. The items in those offices are samples: both originals and reproductions. When told that those items are not for sale, instead of simply accepting the fact, they become enraged and have a fit. Sorry, but some things I am not selling. They behave as though we've just screwed them over and raped their cat. Having a tantrum won't change things. And it's embarrassing. When I am done with such items, they are listed on the website or taken to a show. Then they will be clearly listed as "for sale" with price tags. I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to handle this one. Just another case of my megalomaniac self, hating reenactors....

Lastly, I don't take orders or do customer service. Yes, Gina does screen my calls. It's just another aspect of my megalomania but there is a practical reason behind my inaccessibility. Every time I have agreed to speak to someone, that person demands to deal with me directly, always and forever. It quickly translates into my work day being extended by several hours with people who want to talk shop.
Or the decline of reenacting in Ohio.
Or roadkill.
Or where's Grigsby?
Or gay porn.
I simply can't do it.
Naturally, the best way to reach me is to harangue Gina about how important you are and tell us that me not taking your call will be one of the great regrets of my life. If you explain to her what it is that you want, I might do it. Maybe not. But your chances increase from zilch to a snowball's chance in hell. If you have something that honestly needs my attention and no one else can help you with it there are two ways to have me deal with it.
1. Call and explain it to Gina and she will ask me.
2. Send an email to my attention.

I've tried being more accessible in the past and it took up so much time that I couldn't get anything done. Plus, remaining aloof and mysterious fluffs my self esteem..

Answers to recent questions, comments and meathead requests.

Yes, hats do come in different sizes.

When ordering an impression, we do kind of need to know which one. (US or German would be a start...)

No, your waist size does not help us with your shoe size. Likewise, shoe size doesn't help us determine your hat size.

No, shipping isn't free.

No, we can't call you back before 8 am to take your order for a scarf.

If you place an online order on Friday night, and your package doesn't arrive on Saturday, so you place the same order again, on Saturday, and when it isn't there at 9 am Sunday, and you place the order again, and when still no luck Monday at sunrise you place it yet again...yes indeed, your ass will indeed be getting four boxes. Hint: ATF and UPS don't work on Saturdays and Sundays.

No, we won't search the internet and every other vendor for you to tell you where you find everything on your militaria wish list.

It's wonderful that your Grandpa was in WWII. But in order to re-create his uniform we need a little more info than..."my Grandpa was in the War." If he's still alive, ask him. Not us!

Today in the Stall in the Mall
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump.
I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.
As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny squeek that Big Things would be happening soon.
Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife.
I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming,"Everything Must Go!"
This was prophetic, for my back side informed me with a sudden violent cramp that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the six stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 6 for your convenience:
1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. Poo smeared on seat.
4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door.
ringing phone.......
As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB's louder than it needed to be.
Out of Shy, Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The insane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh@#ter was blathering to Mrs. Sh!@ter about the crappy day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish.
As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier,thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about it in public.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a baratone burst of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. All in the pentatonic scale of D#.
Once my my anthem was mute, three things became apparent:
1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come;and
3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, putrid stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened.
The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my chatty poop-mate.
This initial blast had ended his conversation in mid-sentence."Oh my God," I heard him utter, follow