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Evil April Fool's Prank AAR


Evil April Fool's 
Prank AAR


Yes, this was my evil Aprils Fools' prank (see below) I decided to pull out all the stops after the 587th person called over the last few weeks needling Gina about "what's Rollin gonna do this year?" I've neglected what everyone assumes to be my favorite holiday for the last few years. So, here ya go. 
Yes, I worked on that darned page all week. 
Yes, I knew it was bullshit. I wrote the thing...
I briefly considered a hoax about the Simon Wiesenthal center having uncovered the SS file of a certain pope, but that would have made the Catholics feel persecuted (again) while the other half of you characters would have thought that was kind of cool...
I also seriously considered buying a school bus body from the local junk yard to stage a few realistic photos.
Yes, I am that insane, evil, deranged, whatever you wish to call it. 
I take my "punking" seriously. Just ask Grigsby.
Name an effective prank that isn't in bad taste or offensive to someone.

Discrimination: As for those who think I'm being disrespectful to police officers, high school students, anybody employed in the school system or North Carolina residents, get a clue. I was "disrespecting" you all about as much as Orson Wells was soldiers, Martians and citizens of New Jersey. It was fiction, but any such thing requires a setting and participants. No light was made of dead or dying students, teachers, police officers, fireman, janitors, school bus drivers, reporters or anybody else. 
It needed to appear real, so I'm a little perplexed as to who my alternatives were...
Boy Scouts? The Daughter's of the Confederacy? The Flowers of Islam? 

Drama Court: I understand some people being pissed off after falling for it. I can only imagine some of the tizzy fits. I expected some of that. However, I was appalled by the line of reasoning used by a few police officers (and one who is evidently going to be one someday?) and teachers. The accusation is that my story was terribly traumatic in that it reminded them of their coworker's killed on the job. (What about the real evening news, "Forensic Files", "Heat", "Die Hard"....???) Are all works of fiction written in the United States mentioning police officers and teachers to be censored or required to include apologies on the front cover? The will-someday-be-a police officer even sent me links to sites cataloging and honoring law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty. WTF? I'm about to piss off a few more people, but grandstanding and over-dramatization has always pissed me off. So let's try a reality check via direct comparison.

Don't go here...
We "reenact" the bloodiest, most traumatic event in human history. Reenactors do a lot more than just write a two-page, fictional story within the setting. We dress up like SS troops, NKVD, SNLF, (as well as the good guys) and try to act out the part in full 3D living color. Riddle me this: how in the hell does reading my BS on April Fool's traumatize anyone in comparison to having an 85 year-old vet of the 106th Infantry look out his back window and see 10 guys in Waffen SS uniforms roll by on a Hetzer blasting away on the adjoining property? (Let's not mention the Hitler/ Himmler duo strolling around at the Gap.) 
Mountains and molehills. 
Let's reenact Charles Whitman's Day in the tower or 911...and explain how we're honoring police officers.
 
Wanna scream at me? Fine. But you'd better be able to explain how there's one scrap of difference between them. This is an indirect jab at the living historian angle again, but so be it. 
Just to parry someday-to-be-officer "Jones", here's something for you. Try this one or this one or for more recent memories, this one

Bottomline. It was a skillfully executed joke, low on taste, but that's all. Nothing more. No underhanded slight on the honor of teacher's, law enforcement personnel or anyone else. You can be mad, you can boycott us or contract a voodoo doll of me with Madam Cleo. But don't make this out to be more than it was. 

Psycho Reenactors: Yes, there was a serious note to this whole thing. While those upset with my antic were worrying about their honor, none mentioned the one actual danger here. I have been worried for 20 years that an event like this will actually occur. In the last few years, we have had an increase in customers who are more than a little batty and who take themselves and their SS sniper impression just a bit too seriously. (Most of our truly deranged callers tend to gravitate toward the German side, sorry. I'm still a member of an SS unit, so don't start whining about that.) 
Yes, I'm talking about a small minority, but it only takes one idiot to screw the pooch. All units, especially the Germans, need to be watchful of who or what they recruit. We don't need any more Burmeisters. The ease with which so many people readily believed the story, belies the fact that I am not alone in my worries.

As for those who are completely pissed and hope we go out of business in the near future for being so horrid. Get over it. You're just pissed because you fell for it and went berserk without pausing to notice some not-so-subtle clues or remember a couple of basic rules. Here they are for review:
1. Never, ever, in a gazillion years believe anything posted on this website that is even remotely sensational within a 48 hour period either side of 1 April. 
2. Don't feel silly just because you missed the 46 links all over the darned page that directed you to such gems as Louis Farrakan's homepage, Wikepdia's entry for anal warts, or pet freeze drying services. You're not alone. 
3. The author. Orsinia Wells. (Is Orson Wells not famous enough???) 
4. The two "disclaimer" links.
5. April 1st. 

Thanks,
Orsinia

Asheville, NC
53° 
Humidity: 54%
Wind: 10 mph, NNW
 

 

Fiction

BREAKING NEWS

Nazi Reenactor Kills 18, Wounds Dozens at School 
Man dressed as storm trooper machine guns students and police


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Fiction
Updated: 3:08 p.m. ET March 31, 2006

Staff Writer 
By Orsinia Wells

Asheville, NC. -- A gunmen wearing a nazi storm trooper uniform opened fire on students at Jefferson Davis High School as they were boarding buses to go home. Police were attacked as they arrived on the scene. Sixteen students and two police officers were killed. Dozens of students and faculty were wounded, several critically. The gunman, Chad Higgenbotham, surrendered after attempting to flee the scene.

 

Witnesses reported that the shooter was positioned in the woods about 200 feet from the school's loading zone. He waited until the students began boarding and then opened fire on them. "It was very sudden. The shots were almost like an explosion. They were so fast, " said Wendy Cunningham, a teacher. "The shooting...never stopped. People were screaming and running everywhere. I just fell down in the glass and prayed. God was looking out for me," said Scotty Shoop, 16, a student. 

"When the police arrived, he started blasting away at them. It gave us a chance to get back into the building where he couldn't shoot us anymore," said Michael Hunt, a freshman. 

State Police said that the first officers arrived within seconds of one another, but had no idea of the gunman's location. They drove directly in front of his location. Trooper Jason Frazier said that "he hit their cars with hundreds of bullets. Both men died instantly."

Fiction
Sheriff's deputies and paramedics help one of the casualities.

As more police and SWAT units arrived, Higgenbotham, apparently out of ammunition, attempted to flee the scene in his car, but he lost control and hit a mail box about 2 blocks from the school. He was taken into custody after a brief struggle. 

What makes this crime so deadly was the gun used in the shooting. State Police reported that he was armed with a World War II era MG42 heavy machine gun used by the Nazi army. That weapon is said to be capable of spraying over a thousand bullets per minute. It is the worst rampage in North Carolina history and one of the worst in the US.

A search of the Higgenbotham's residence, his parents' house, turned up several rifles, an automatic pistol, crates of ammunition, and boxes of nazi paraphernalia, including swastika and confederate flags, helmets, uniforms and dozens of CD's glorifying Hitler. His parents could not be reached for comment.

Higgenbotham, 19, was described by acquaintances as a thoughtful and polite man, a good Christian, with an intense interest in history. He was an active Civil War and WWII Reenactor. Neighbor and fellow reenactor, Preston Lambert, 29, of Cartersville, was stunned. He defended his friend's interest in Nazi paraphernalia as "historical in nature" and in no way "racist or skinhead." "This was totally out of character for Chad. No way. This can't be him."

However, those close to him described his demeanor as "changed" since an incident last year with a pistol led to his expulsion from Jefferson Davis High School. The motive for the rampage is still unclear, but Sheriff Hatfield told a reporter for the News Herald that Higgenbotham had been indicted on Wednesday for possessing child pornography, using stolen credit cards and animal cruelty. He was free on bond when the shooting occurred.

Putnam County Commissioner Fred Phelps and State Senator Elijah Mills have called for an immediate investigation into "reenacting" groups. The men issued a joint statement, "Just how this young man became involved in such a group and how he came into possession of this weapon will be determined as quickly as possible. We don't care how you call it, groups of men engaging in paramilitary training, armed with machine guns and wearing nazi uniforms is not something the American people should be asked to tolerate. We're sure the victims' families of today's tragedy would heartily agree." 

Fiction

Contact Orsinia Wells at orsiniawells@newsherald.com

 
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