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Special Ed
Feb 2012: It's nice to know that some people have absolute job security. It's also obvious that either we need more special education teachers, or those we have need to learn how to do their jobs. Their flunkies keep calling and harassing Gina. I wonder if she could sue for the extra cigarettes she buys and ensuing health problems they cause her? I know you guys love this stuff...
Quit screaming for tracking numbers! Some of you are calling and demanding tracking numbers the moment you click the "submit" button. Do you think we have magic elves wearing rocket packs that fill your "shopping cart" in real time as you add items? If it's been over a week, then, maybe, ask about it. Every one of you who has Gina hunt for your tracking number delays her that long in getting your orders processed and out. Lately it's approaching 20 per day and it's ridiculous- that ties her up for a couple of hours. You are screwing yourselves by harassing her. Most orders are delivered within the week and you guys are acting like a bunch of panic-stricken 8 year-olds. Give it a rest. You'll get your stuff. Someday. Maybe..
NEW: We have hired Grigsby to handle all of our shipping. He promises an automated packing & delivery solution with instantaneous tracking numbers and all orders will be shipped before you even place them. For full details call him at 1-888-843-4564!
My order has shipped bitch! The joys of Volusion's automated shopping cart. We have never been able to change the email header "your order has shipped". The damned system sends that thing out when we charge your card- not when the package is entered into the UPS computer. Gina explains this daily to panic stricken types wanting to know where the hell their button is. With disturbing regularity, the jackasses argue with the woman who has their order in her hand, screaming that the email cannot be wrong and she must be lying. When you piss with her, much less call her a "stupid bitch", do you realize where your order goes...? To the bottom of the pile. If you act like a baboon, we will cancel your order. No shit.
NEW: We have disabled that stupid f-ing feature. No more "Your order has shipped emails". Of course, this will probably create new problems....
No invoice, no refund: If you don't include a copy of your invoice, a note or a way to find you with you return or exchange, how the hell are we supposed to know who you are? We all enjoy a good mystery, but this morning we had six in the mail. Six. WTF is wrong with you people? A post-it note that says "refund please, Bob" is so retarded it makes me drool.
Mentally Challenged: A new wave of illiterates has joined the hobby. Did you all clean out the detention centers to fluff your units up? We had three numbnuts return other companies' products to us this week for refunds. All had nice, easy-for-most-cave-men-to-read "What Price Glory" labels in the neck. And, as usual, one got pissed off and called Gina a liar or a stupid broad. "Broad" is at least somewhat period correct...
Dear Foreign Customers,
We will NOT pay your customs duties. |
This is clearly explained on the ordering info page, but time and time again, customers from a little country that may have a bone to pick with the French for not extending the Maginot line further northeast, are responsible for 80% of all problem orders (foreign and domestic) with "meez dont undestand zee engleesh" as the primary excuse. Mussolini's boys are firmly in second place, with Marshal Petain's crew a distant third.
Why is this such an incomprehensible concept for you guys? Duties and import taxes often suck, but we don't write your country's import regulations. From the antics they pull, you'd think we administered the Belgian Post Office from my bedroom.
Here's the deal, for the 127th time.
1. We don't falsify (undervalue) customs forms or invoices. Porquoi?
It's illegal and it allows you sneaky ones to charge back the difference on your credit cards by claiming that we overcharged you.
2. We will not send the package as a gift? Porquoi?
The post office is ignorant but they aren't quite as dumb as a rock. They have figured out that we don't have 50 foreign friends on whom we bestow gifts each Friday.
3. If you refuse to pay your duties (in other words, refuse the package) we will not reship the package nor will we refund your shipping charges that we had to pay to get it there..so you could change your mind.
4. No third party purchases. No more of this bullshit. We will only ship to the actual purchaser. If you don't have a credit card, paypal account or access to a bank (to get an international money order) you're probably an inmate, a child or so dumb that your order will become a nightmare form hell anyway.
I am very close to discontinuing all service to Belgium aside from established customers. No shit. |
Sew on my insignia!
No.
Why the hell not??? |
This little issue has been problematic and debated from the first time I sold a uniform. We have to rehash and explain this to customers constantly. The overriding reason that we will not sew on insignia (or patches, ribbons, etc, etc) is simple.
Weenies.
Now, I'm not implying that Reenacting has a higher ratio of Weenies than the general population. I used to think that, but I now suspect that the Weenie, Numbnut, Jackass and Retard quotient is fairly constant amongst the higher primates. However, there are enough of these derelicts to dissuade us from doing custom work of any kind. Weenies make every job a combination nightmare and three ring circus. "Move the sleeve eagle 3mm to the left, one collar tab is 3 degrees off center and I thought you had cotton thread. This blacklights. Please replace it by Friday."
There are a few other factors, most important being our own incompetence. No matter how many hundreds of SS sleeve eagles they have put on shirts and tunics, and the presence of a correct sample on their lap, one or more of the girls opt for a change of pace on each run of uniforms and decide to try them on the right sleeve, bass-akwards or both. Ditto for collar tabs. Despite the difficulty of getting the tabs to fit the corner of the collar when you put them on the wrong side (inverted), believe me, they can manage it!
In other words, I would have to personally supervise every damned job. Believe it or not, I do not have time for that. I have better things to do, like fishing, surfing the gutters of the internet, torturing small animals, editing Gina's new videos, and keeping up with Grigsby's NAACP dues.
The last reason is exchanges. About 20% of all uniforms we ship are returned for size exchanges. It is unreal how many men have no idea what size their clothes are and reading the label in the neck is simply too much to ask. Some exchanges are understandable as some people are on the border between sizes (myself included) but when some nitwit returns a Medium and has to go to a XXL, there is a definite lack of comprehension. Exchanges result in insignia being removed, which leaves atrocities all over the garment...stitch holes!
Stitch holes = "defects" = losing our butts.
I have considered a policy of "try it on before we sew" or "all sales final on uniforms with insignia" but both have their problems not to mention doing nothing to resolve the Weenie or our own stupidity factors. A few other vendors have tried charging batshit crazy prices for the work, but apparently even that has not made it worth the drama that ensues.
What to do? Needle and thread. I started sewing nazi stuff on my tunic at 13. It's not difficult. Or ask a grandmother, a wife or the queer down the street. (Most of them can sew.) However, doing your own is best as you can put things where you want them...but you will only have yourself to blame if it's crooked. |
My sympathy over outsourcing is at an end. US companies and labor are using the "cheap overseas labor" excuse as a crutch to explain away their own arrogant incompetence. Time and time again, we struggle to use American companies for our materials, and time and time again, we pay dearly. I am getting this same opinion from nearly all other businesses owners I have spoken to.
Of late, it's the highly paid and poorly trained imbeciles in the dyeing and finishing plants that destroy our fabrics or dye them crazy colors. This place is old and made stuff during the War. OD#7 is a stock color. No mystery. But it's just too much for them to accomplish. The finishing touch was the strike; the union wanted a raise for their hard working members. Tip: If you are in the textile business in the USA, rocking the boat about now is not the wisest choice. Thank the gods that you even have the job. Let's see...screw up your orders...refuse to correct them...and yes, a pay increase too. No problem. Better learn Chinese...
I'm tired hearing the factory workers bleating about US quality being sacrificed for cheap imported imitations. There are three main aspects of competition: Price, Service and Quality. In earlier days, foreign companies rarely came out ahead except with the first one. Sadly, as we sit on our hands, all fat dumb and happy, the hungry little foreigners have been studying, learning and putting their knowledge to use. Not only did they improve their service, our companies have, simultaneously, allowed theirs go to hell in a handbasket. In the few instances where our companies still offer better products (HH Brown, Burlington, Anchor) the attitudes and indifference of their staff makes doing business with them pure torture. Pay all the money up front, 9-12 month production delay, salesmen forget to put orders in (despite earning a commission), weeks or months to return phone calls and all 'round general incompetence and a blatant unwillingness to make even minor efforts. It's become the norm for the sales reps to let you know that keying in an order for you is an immense inconvenience for them. Or you get some poor girl just off the boat from Columbia who hasn't the first clue what any of their products are much less how to place an order.
The Chinese have yet to screw up anything we have contracted to anywhere near the degree of the US plants. And when they do mess up, guess which companies are willing to make amends via credits or replacements? The Asians are faster, often offer better quality as well as being cheaper.
The industry in the US is getting their asses handed to them, in our view, not just by the cheaper prices, but by terrible or indifferent services for inferior products. I hate to say it, but we are getting what we asked for. Acting like you give a damn is more productive than whining...and then asking for a raise.
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There are many facts in life that most people of average intelligence consider to go without saying or simply to be common knowledge. Fire can burn your finger, shit smells like crap, lumpy milk tastes foul, and a BBW doesn't look very good in a thong. Once in awhile, we assume too much and erroneously assign facts or tidbits of knowledge to this category that we should not. Such incidents keep this rant section well fed and are responsible for a fair percetnage of the text on this website.
Many people have thought some of our "notes" or advisories to be ridiculous or superfluous. They cannot imagine that a college educated white boy would put a German helmet in a microwave or that English royalty would wear an SS uniform to a costume party. But they really do. And some things equally or yet more appalling.
My naiveté was that, irregardless of my testy demeanor in some of my "no brainer advisories", I assumed that those truths that are easily verifiable, and blatantly obvious, would end the problem once disseminated. Wrong. Again.
The latest spanking my sense of common knowledge has received relates to US helmets. Starting in the last year, several dozen people (no doubt thanks to some moron's post on an equally moronic forum) decided that M-1 helmets must come in different sizes. The situation is getting worse, not better.
When informed the helmets are one size and that the sweatband simply adjusts for different head sizes, people get belligerent. They act like a NASCAR fan who's just been told that Dale was a pedophile. Now we're being accused of attempting to spread misinformation in order to sell our defective products. They think we don't have "their size" so we're bullshitting them in order to sell them a "small". Despite my explanation on all the US helmet pages, the doubters still have to call up and question our veracity. Then call back 2-3 times (probably after consutling with the moron forum) to continue the argument.
We give them an honest, rational, and easy answer to simple question, and they go postal and call us liars and want to argue. Being new to this hobby and simply not knowing is not a problem. But to cuss Gina out when she tells them the truth is asinine. Besides, "you're an idiot", what can one say to these people?
Along similar lines, we now have demands (requests have given way to more insistent forms of query) for khaki US helmets, M43 field uniforms, and HBT's, accusations that our boots are made from rubber. Then came a lecture, telling us that if we cared about our customers, our boots would be one-size-fits-all. (Like a sock perhaps?) They were mad because we didn't have paratrooper boots to fit their 8 year-old.
NEW! This front had been rather quiet for awhile, but either everyone has simultaneously become lazy at the same moment, or the moron forums are working their magic again.
If you send us an email like this:
"My Order: HBT set, belt (large), and a helmet cover. Overnite please.
Thanks, Frank"
You aren't the brightest bulb in the fixture. We probably have over 50 customers named "Frank". Now, if you want to get Gina all wound up and pissy, keep sending these. We are getting 3-4 per day from such unique people as Bill, Josh, Jason, Bob and of course, Frank. We are not computerized. Each time you order, we need all your info. If you're feeling magnanimous, and/or you actually want us to ship your order, a last name and maybe an address would be nice. |
The New Standards in
WWII Reenacting |
I give up. I surrender. There's no point fighting reality or struggling against the current anymore. I don't know why in the hell we even bother. There is one and only one authenticity standard that our products must meet.
Band of Brothers.
Unless it's really cheap. Then anything goes.
Not so long ago, authenticity was paramount. The idea was to duplicate or imitate the original (wartime..1939-1945) item as closely as possible. Albeit in jumbo sizes. All one needs now to be an overnight historian is a DVD player and a BOB box set. Presto! Historian extraordinare. I guess this is the lazy, instant gratification generation's maximum value for minimum effort concept in action. I've finally thrown in the towel and ordered my own box set of the Historian's Bible on DVD. I will immediately purge all original WWII samples from my office, to reduce the risk of making any more erroneous products. I apologize for insulting the legions of BOB historians with whom I have dared to argue or insinuate that BOB is not the most perfect and divine representation of authenticity in the entire history of the universe. As for referring to some of them using such monstrous and nefarious terms as "Needledickthebugfucker" or God forbid..."Farbs" I apologize. I must have been crazier than a shithouse rat.
In honor of the BOB Legionnaires, I will be carefully viewing all episodes frame by frame, with special attention paid to Lt. Spears since he is apparently the most lusted after character. (I think they call it "having groupies" or something. Not that there's anything wrong with men lusting after...men. At least it's not goddamned dolls this time.) All of our products will be reviewed and compared to the TV monitor for accuracy and certified as "Miniseries Serviceable". Any field jackets that aren't brown, garrison caps that aren't rectangular, and helmets without spades will be shipped to the Brausebad at Birkenau for "Sonderbehandlung" to eliminate any risk of them getting loose and inhibiting anyone's effort to get into character. But before you try to slide into Matt Settles, you might want to ask his permission, lest he waste your groupie ass with his Thompson.
However, please, so as not to delude your idiot selves any further, please change the name of the hobby and the organizations from anything using the term "WWII" since you aren't interested in warfare, honoring veterans, reliving history or even busting caps. Having dreams of becoming a starlet is on another plain entirely. Try something less deceiving and more honest. Like "Moviestar Wannabe Federation", "Reenacting Klan of Miniseries", or "HBO Conventioneers". Using the sacred phrase, Band of Brothers, might not honor it properly. Secondly, you guys don't want to restrict yourselves, should the trend ever end and it suddenly become fashionable to dress up like Pug Henry, Theodore Cleaver, Sgt. Saunders, Kunta Kinte, Starbuck, or if you're whitebread and a little portly, Captain James T. Kirk.
We have also realized, that cheaper is always better, irregardless of quality. This is somewhat understandable, since the newer generation seems to have an aversion to dirt, sweat, and exertion in general, so the only trauma any product need be able to withstand is a Maytag. It's like the previously hyper-anal-authentic Fallschirmjagers, "We require nothing less than the best! If it's not exact, our unit guru will never approve it."
"Shitty antique brass YKK zippers? Wrong camo pattern? Bleach white interior? $79? No Problem!"
We will be introducing $19 "pleather" jump boots, lightweight plastic helmets to reduce shoulder injuries (we don't need any more lawsuits), and $50 German uniforms made from breathable green felt. Cheap 10 pocket belts are no longer a problem, since empty canteens don't weigh enough to pull the chintzy grommets out. (Canteens are now "deco only" due to their lack of capacity and the fact that they need to be washed after being filled with sweet tea or Dr. Pepper.). Now how to enlarge the Musette Bag enough to handle the case of Mountain Dew, 120 oz. of chip-dip, 4 cases of little Debbies, a camelpack and a mini-DVD player (for authenticity inspections) is presenting a real dilemma...khaki spandex?
ATF, Pricing, and Research |
I've pondered this one for awhile, and now I'm putting it into practice. Competition hasn't been too painful yet, but I am always looking for ways to do things better, despite my "malevolent megalomania". The only "business" class I had in college was accounting, and I dropped out mid-way through to go to PLDC (at Ft. Indiantown Gap of all places...) so you can guess whether or not I excelled in bean counting.
Pricing: We buy very little from any other dealers anymore. The primary exception being Sturm's German wool items, but only until we can develop our own. However, most items made or contracted by other companies have a flaw or two that annoy me and many other people. Things like left-opening zippers, patches in strange and unnecessary places, incorrect camo patterns and a general lack of attention to detail. They are easy and cheap to remedy, but for some reason it never seems to happen. So, on top of the profit motive, I have always been determined to buy our products from the source rather than a wholesaler to try and get them right.
Naturally, the Asian dealers on ebay and the appearance of many items similar to ours in places like Sportsmans Guide have piqued many peoples' curiosity and a few conspiracy theories have been spun.
This has resulted in confusion, rumor and mistaken assumptions. Some of our US uniforms and boots are made by a factory that does indeed make some products for other companies. However, I have spent months and in some cases years haggling back and forth with sample and pattern changes to get them 100% correct instead of 75 or 80%. Thus, our colors, buttons, soles and patterns are usually different than those used by other companies and are unique to us. This is not bullshit, bluster or self fellating.
(Once in awhile, the factory had an over run on our order and sold it out the back door. That's how some of our uniforms ended up on ebay last year. I screamed bloody murder and it appears to have stopped.)
Anyway, I lowered some prices to be equal to or lower than any other US company, on comparable items even if our products are a bit better. It removes one more reason to go elsewhere. It also makes us as cheap as the Asian dealers, once the $30-50 for international shipping is figured in. We don't even need to discuss returns or exchanges back and forth across the Pacific.
Additionally, in an effort to help the new re-enactors and collectors, I'm gradually adding more research and general information regarding the ABC's of WWII militaria. This will hopefully help them avoid being burned and answer some of the more common and mundane questions that give Gina headaches.
Lastly, I'm going to post some of our unspoken policies, most of which are beneficial rather than punitive. No, I won't start liking action figures.
Refunds? Just like our sale items, we are not making these prices retroactive. (This includes ebay auctions.) If people keep squealing for a refund of the difference for items they bought a month ago, I won't bother dropping prices anymore. We have no efficient, even handed (fair) way to do retroactive refunds. If we say 1 week, then the guys who bought something 10 days ago get their feelings hurt. 2 weeks, then the 3 weekers get pissed. It's not to be greedy, despite what some of you paranoid types think. We do not have a computer system for our orders and it would takes days to sort back through hundreds of invoices.
Research: This is related, yet a bit of a tangent to the rest of the rant. I've read a few message board exchanges in which many people crow about how some of my competitors "go the extra mile" by doing "research". Well, I'm a bit more prickish on my site I suppose and perhaps some people think that I pull this stuff out of my colon, but how the hell do you think we got this far? All vendors, but especially those who manufacture, have to do research to one degree or another. Maybe I'm antisocial, or simply a moron, but I do read quite a bit. I've always been an incredulous child (caught Mom eating "Santa's" cookies when I was 4, so I knew adults lied like hell from the get go) and I prefer to taste things (or burn my fingers) for my self.
Since the War's been over for awhile (news to a few of you loons isn't it?) I've opted to spend tens of thousands of dollars on original stuff. Original stuff* (including photos and newsreels) is cool because it doesn't lie or make mistakes. US quartermaster archives, and books by Angolia and Beaver are quite useful, but they aren't gospel. In all but a few cases, I have one or more original examples to compare with our reproductions. If that's not your idea of research, you need to get back into your saucer and find a new planet.
*BOB and SPR DVD's are entertaining, but with exception to film prop collecting, these are not a source for historical research. |
| ATF's Change of Ownership |
Due to unexpectedly fierce competition from the Venezuelan, Malaysian and Rwandan manufacturers of reenacting apparel, as well as the owner's recent conviction for operating an unlicensed animal shelter/ euthanasia center, we have been forced to sell out to an Israeli holding company. We may experience temporary outages as our website is being transferred to their server in Damascus, but we do not expect these difficulties to last more than 8-10 years. We apologize for our misguided attempt to conceal the sale of our company. Our customers were more astute than expected and immediately detected our subterfuge. The parent company, Goldberg-Kinderhook Enterprises (GKE) has directed us to plan an inventory liquidation sale in the near future. Prices will be increased by up to 15.97% in an attempt to sell off excess inventory in order to reduce shipping costs when the remaining stocks are transferred to the new warehouse being built near Vladivostok.
All orders that were lost in transit will be filled or refunded in no more than 48 months, less interest. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
US M1943 Uniform Follies
This particular foolishness is indicative of an overall trend in this hobby. That trend is helplessness and desire trumping facts. Fewer and fewer Americans seem capable of reading a book, sewing on a button or knowing their own clothing sizes. For those of us who can tie our own shoes or operate an iron, it makes for good rants...
After a year of relative peace and quiet, we have had a recent deluge of complaints about our US M1943 field uniforms, almost exclusively regarding color. I suspect these are the result of a few less than educated types blabbering on their "My Life as a Paratrooper Re-enactor" blogs or the Toledo BOB chat ring. God I hate these damned things. Any moron with a keyboard can post an opinion and instantly be transformed from sticky-fingered unemployed college dropout to a published, authoritative source for all sorts of information. There are a great number of well meaning and perhaps otherwise intelligent people who mistake anything “published” for truth.
Anyway, here's some basic info concerning original WWII, they-were-there-in-the-real-War uniforms. Not the horsecrap in “Jeff's Airsofter's Chatroom” or the Norwegian Field Jacket collector's forum.
The fact that we copy originals seems to be news to many. And yes, we really get knucklehead complaints of this nature. Many of you all think I'm making this up, but it's true. Funny as hell at times and just damned annoying at others.
Jacket Color:
Too dark, too light, not green enough, it doesn’t match my Norwegian jacket or they aren't khaki. Whine, whine, whine...
Newsflash! First off, these jackets were never khaki. Occasionally one may appear khaki-ish, but that’s very faded and really filthy. Next fag fact. Norwegian M1943’s are made in Norway. In the 1950’s and 60’s. They are not US WWII so they are not allowed to play our game. Go buy some Flectar and do paintball.
Relevant facts. All US M1943's were green. But there is no "one and only" color. The shade varies. Later production uniforms (1944-51) tend to be darker than the earlier ones (1943). We copied a 1943 production uniform. Just like the "khaki" inquisitions, ignorance is the rule. As usual, the ignorant have no rule as to just what the "correct" color is. For the conspiracy theorists, here's some proof.
Unissued originals and one of ours. Guess which is which.
I made it real easy...
None of them match...even ours aren't all the same identical shade. No like? Contact your congressman. |
Original, unissued hoods; these are made form the same fabric as the jackets and trousers. Call the War Department! They don't match and it makes me wanna cry. |
Lining Color:
Jesus H. Christ. Khaki is never wrong in re-enactor land! You fruitcakes complain because our HBT's (and sometimes these M43's) aren't khaki...then squeal because the lining is khaki. Remember. There is no color but khaki, the all seeing, all knowing, all merciful, all powerful color that is KHAKI. Some of you retards I really think paint your dog khaki and lick its nipples 7 times a day...
The earlier production (there is no "model number", just going by the dates on the spec labels) M43 Jacket lining was the same fabric as M41 Field Jackets were made from. Later jackets (1944-45 production) used a dark green color lining. Here are two originals to prove my point. Both are 1943 dated. Just like real (original) M41's, the color varies from pea green to gold. That's the way it was in the 1940's. Not in re-enactor La-La land.
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We don't make this crap up. We really, honestly have originals to work from and we aren't going to screw up the colors or sizes and then try to claim that they are "right". We'll leave such antics to other vendors. But our stuff is correct, we don't take your money and lie when we can't fill the order and we ship faster than a half-fucked* fox in a forest fire. Thus, I feel little guilt in taking some liberties with my prose. I'm crude, crass and tactless and I'll occasionally post awful things to scorch your eyeballs or injure the sensibilities of the overly sensitive and not suffer one ounce of remorse. If I find it entertaining, it goes. Dictatorships can be great!
Sad state of affairs
Today's enthusiasts really suffer from a lack of education. The materials to correct this condition are readily available. There are more reference books and military shows than ever before. But, that involves a little work and effort. My bad. It's simpler to read Snuffy's Airborne Blog, freak out and call us bleating like three legged a sheep with John Holmes in hot pursuit, than it is to buy a book (much less read it), or go to shows and examine originals. Plus, I realize that some of you jackasses just want to provoke a rant. Anyway, the sad part in this case is this. The only color issue with these uniforms that has any genuine merit, namely the cargo pockets on the paratrooper trousers, has produced only about 5 complaints in a year as opposed for dozens of tantrums about khaki linings. Had the pockets been non-matching (as they really should be) I'll bet the squeal factor would have been enormous. When it’s wrong, feel free to yell. But when it’s right…we’re not the ones who look foolish when people go nuts.
*This is a genuine analogy I learned from an old timer from W. Virginia. In the interest of authenticity and historical accuracy, I chose to leave the obscenity intact. No religious, racial or sexual insult intended.
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Ebay and the Peepa Dealers
Although I should know better, I am still shocked by the continued operation and patronizing of dealers that I think are so blatantly fraudulent that no one in their right mind could miss their subterfuge. Despite red flags waving by the dozen, suckers and others who believe in the essential goodness of man line up to throw their money into the pit. I guess before I proceed, I should define that non-word in the title. "Peepa" was brought to us by Thomas. Thomas returned from Europe a few years ago babbling about peepa this and peepa that. As he told it, "peepa" was Greek slang of some sort for fellatio (that's a blowjob for you dropout folks). Eventually, "peepa" became standard slang around here for "fraud" or "fake". It can be used as noun, an adjective or a verb. One can sell peepa, something can be peepa and someone or something can be peepaed. It's nearly as ubiquitous as the shorter, more common version of "fornicate". Anyway, Peepa Dealers are the full time scoundrels that make a living selling fakes and altered militaria as original. Now that that is out of the way...
Why in name of all things holy and cursed do people give these jerk-offs money???? Jesus Christ on a crutch! I didn't know they made people so stupid anymore. Perhaps young and dumb comes into play here. Maybe the bidders are 14 and mildly special. Or 40 and completely retarded. For general information (Special-ed) and entertainment here's a primer to help you new guys and old bain-damaged types avoid being sodomized on ebay when shopping for supposedly original or authentic militaria.
Return Policy: First and foremost. Above all else. This applies to all dealers online or otherwise. Do they have a return policy? Meaning, do they offer your money back if you are not satisfied? Reputable dealers, in other words, honest ones, rarely have a problem with their customers wishing to seek second opinions. If they are certain the item is NOT a fake, they should be confidant that it will not be returned. If a goat roper states "all sales are final" or "no returns", do NOT deal with them. Why are they final? They know that upon actual physical inspection the item is likely to be detected as a fake. Simple. They are lying and know they'll get caught. But at least they get to keep your money. The guys with "24 hour" or "3 day" return policies should be viewed with equal suspicion. They know that it will likely take that long for delivery, which amounts to a policy of "no returns".
If they do not mention a return policy, ask! Either they overlooked that section when they wrote their auction, or they don't want to tell you that they will not give you a refund. Truly reputable militaria dealers, and there are quite a few who do this, will offer lifetime guarantees as it relates to the authenticity of an item. If you decide or determine an item to be a fake 3 years after purchase, they'll still take it back. That is not as good as carbon dating, but at least you won't get burned.
Feedback: I've been browsing the feedback of some of the more blatant Peepa Dealers. Most have some measure of skill and manage to sell enough genuine items or to persuade their victims of their veracity so that they have only 5-10 negatives. But even one negative for "selling copy as original" should raise your eyebrows. I noticed a different tone and tack in the replies of the Peepa Dealers as opposed to the honest dealer wrongly accused. The Peepa Dealers rarely address the issue; their own honesty. In reply to
"sold me fake as original will not refund money" they usually counter with "deadbeat bidder, MORON, Sellers Beware, LIAR etc". The shrill, kindergarten name calling is indicative.
Private Auctions: I love this shit. Almost every one of the Peepa Dealers I have followed eventually discovers this tool. I understand why some sellers use private auctions, but I still do not agree with them. (Not all sellers who use them are dishonest. OK?) However, most dealers in fraud DO use them. Why? They claim it is to prevent other dealers from offering the bidders a similar item at a better price. (They tend to use one another's ideas.) In reality, it prevents good Samaritan types from contacting the neophyte bidders and warning the unwary about the bulging, splinter covered wooden phallus headed for their rectum. If only the seller's ID could be "private". Their wet dream....
Photos: Study them closely. There was a Sturm FJ smock running early in December described as "not an atf" and "in a collection from the 1960's". Anyone with half a noodle when it comes to FJ gear could see that it was made from Splinter A camo (the Luftwaffe used Splinter B) and even provided a closeup of the super-sexy antique brass YKK zippers. Although the auction was "private", it appears that the buyer figured it out anyway. Although declared a "NUT", it appears he didn't lose his money. If the photo looks like fish, it probably smells like fish. Moreover, if there is no photo at all, consider that a bad omen and look elsewhere.
The Description: If the description says everything but "original", it's a fake. Time and time again I see this routine. "Mint condition, just a bit of storage dirt, does not blacklight, found at the yard sale of a vet's daughter, will look nice in your collection, and conforms to examples in reference books. All sales final." Classic. In this case, take note of what they don't say. I have yet to see one of these never-said-it-was-real weasels offer a return policy. One of them claims items may be returned only if they have been "grossly misrepresented" (in the description)...but goes on to say that this has "nothing to do with authenticity". I'm still trying to figure that one out. Bottomline, while they strongly imply that the item is authentic, they avoid stating it. Regardless, honest sellers will have no hesitation to clearly describe their wares as either "original" or "reproduction". When they refuse to say either, it's a fake and they're a Peepa Dealer. Simple. This is not to say that all items that are described as "original" are indeed authentic. But, since things on Ebay are in writing (as opposed to the oral promises at shows) the Peepa Dealers often strive to leave themselves an escape hatch in case of a "bust".
Dear Peepa Dealers: If some of this text sounds familiar, maybe it should. If you want to cry "slander", good luck. In order to be "slander" it must be untrue. What has been stated here are common sense concepts and facts that you yourself use to profit from those who lack a good grasp of them. Feel free to get pissy and email me your protests but I'll post every exchange here in the open just to keep things on the up and up. Then we can examine some of your descriptions verbatim and have some lessons in semantics. Words of experience. Being 100% honest with your customers will ultimately make you a lot more money than being a Peepa Dealer. True, a new sucker is born every minute, but even most of them learn eventually. Being able to attract any militaria customers, not just the odd sucker, will ultimately be far more profitable.
Who are the Peepa Dealers? They're everywhere. I will NOT name them, for a multitude of reasons. They aren't too hard to find. Just exercise some common sense and above all, educate yourself about the area of collecting you are interested in. More basic, common sense info is on the war on fraud page.
Fair Question: Why don't we offer lifetime returns?
We do, on original items as relating to their originality. If you have a receipt, and feel the item is not what we claimed, we'll take the return at the original price, in the same condition as we sold it. Granted, as 95% of our products are reproductions, this may seem trivial, but it's not. I'm very, very cautious in what I buy as "authentic" and I have only been totally burned once. On M44 tunics. But damn they were good!
Our reproductions have a 10 day return policy. Why? At one time, it was 30 days, but we developed a problem with "renters" and dealers. Renters would wear the stuff to 2 events, then claim the pants were too small and return the whole impression. Dirty. The dealers would hit a couple of shows trying to make money on the stuff, and when they failed to sell at a profit, return everything. Their price tags still attached. 10 days is plenty of time to try stuff on...
Made in USA/ the Fatherland vs. China
There have been a spat of coronaries lately over Chinese manufactured products. The inspiration for the wave of heart disease was Sturm's being compelled to change the labels in their German uniforms, but it is symptomatic of several misconceptions regarding our trade deficit with Asia. Here's some important facts.
"Made in Germany" was never true. Not in the last 5-10 years anyway. For the past 2 years, the wool uniforms contracted by Sturm, sported "Made in Germany" labels. Apparently, German customs regulations are not nearly as stringent (anal) as those of the US. The uniforms were made in China, shipped to Germany, then shipped to the US. They never were made in the Fatherland...despite being touted as such by numerous vendors. Last year, US Customs took notice and stopped this.
" I want German made wool/ uniforms." Fine, fork over $350-500. (The unspoken detail is that the price is expected to be $150.) The average cost per labor hour in the US is $15. That figure includes wages, plus worker's comp, and withholding taxes. In Germany, due to the heavy burden of their social welfare programs, the rate is nearly double. About $28. A German tunic takes around 6 hours to assemble. Thus, the labor cost to make one, is about $90 in the USA and $168 in Germany. US wool is about $15 per yard, if you buy 1,000 yards. Germany, it's about $25 per yard, if the mill is still in business. A tunic requires 2.5 yards. Therefore, the total cost of production of a German wool tunic is about $127 in the US or $230 in Germany. No bullshit.
In China, the average wage in a sewing plant is $50. Per month. That's 31 cents per hour. Wool is slightly cheaper than in the US, resulting in an initial cost to the factory, of about $30.
$30 vs. $127 vs. $230.
Why aren't the Chinese tunics $50 then??? Markups (x3), plus duties, freight and quota fees. The result is still an item of similar or sometimes superior quality for about one half the price.
This scenario is applicable across the board. The reason we are able to compete to some degree on field gear, is the relatively short labor time most of it requires. Materials seem to be about 30% cheaper in China (except leather, which seems nearly constant worldwide) and labor is basically nil. The more complex, hence labor-intensive, the item, the lower our ability to compete. So, for the whiners who just don't understand why our US assault vests, cartridge belts and 782 packs are over $100, this is why. You're welcome to sit down and make one for us and show us how it's done for $3 labor. Go for it!
On this note, the US company that made all of our cotton HBT was purchased by a company from India in January. The new owners promptly closed the mill that made the material. Thus, all future HBT fabric will have to be imported from India or China. Not acceptable? Wear originals. This was the last US mill that could do HBT fabric. Sorry... |
Did you guys ship my stuff?
I ordered it yesterday and I gotta have a tracking number!
It's for the fashion show at the Gap!
First and foremost, 95-100% of each day's domestic (shipped within the USA) orders are getting shipped the same day they are placed (so long as they are paid for). In other words, we are NOT behind on shipping as was the case in previous years. We have gotten rather efficient in our old age. As we are not computerized and likely will not be so in the next 3 weeks (or years), we cannot instantly provide you with tracking numbers. Your order record must be dug out of the files which may require 15-20 minutes of scrounging. We tend to ship orders faster than we file the invoices. This week, the tracking number requests have become absolutely ridiculous. Perhaps these customers had never dealt with us and suspected we were lying when Gina told them that it would ship "today". Maybe they fear we'll neglect to remember that the Gap is in less than 6 weeks.
Here are some recommendations and solutions:
1. If it is mission critical that you are promptly informed that your toque has been shipped and we didn't rip you off and spend the money at the Pussycat-a-go-go;
Provide us with your email address, indicate that you wish to be notified and we will enter the info into the UPS computer when we box your order. UPS will then send you confirmation as soon as the package ships.
2. If we do not have your email or you do not have email in the first place, and you call to find your tracking number, please do not feel justified in getting pissy when it requires more than 15 seconds for us to find it. Some companies will kiss your rectum when you act the jackass...but we'll just cut you off. Or sign you up for things you really don't want to find in
Stop trying to romance Gina!
This is not a phone sex/ matchmaker line. This should be somewhat obvious, but apparently it's not. We are a business. We only have 2 phone lines. One of them is frequently tied up for 45 minutes or an hour with customers (mostly guys) babbling to Gina about their life stories or beating around the bush trying to ask her out. There's 4 hot guys here to occupy her time and she can't handle any more. She's no spring chicken anyway. Stop getting excited. She's 55 and has the hairiest legs I've seen on a bipedal organism since Planet of the Apes. She's so fat she can't reach them with the razor. She has to butter her hips when she takes a bath so she doesn't get stuck in the tub. She eats so many twinkies that she sweats Crisco. Slippery BBW. Gina doesn't like army crap, it's just her job. If you want to flirt with the help, get to the point, ask them out and quit tying up our damned telephone with babble.
Second. We do not return phone calls. We have a toll free number that is answered 9 hours per day. It was busy? Yeah, it was probably your cousin telling her about his Panther made out of diet coke cans for 4 hours.
Email Etiquette:
1. Use a working email address. If you expect a response that is....
2. A first and last name would be very, very helpful when you want to know where your stuff is. It never fails that the culprits here are Jim, Bill and Bob. "Did you get my order? Cheers, Bob." Foreigners do not get a hall pass either.
3. Use the same email address for all correspondence. You wackos with 6 addresses do yourselves a dis- service.
4. Spell check. Kuts doWn on hour enTertaneMmEnt.
5. DONT TYPE IN CAPS. ITS IGNORANT AND ANNOYING.
6. Do not send 4MB of pictures and attachments. Our server deletes most anything over 50K. We won't receive it. Thank the pimple faced goo-covered-finger virus writing jerk-offs.
7. No novels please. Get to the point. We have about 60-75 emails per day to reply to. When you send us a 3,000 word epic, it usually gets shelved until late in the day. Or the next.
The Sticky Fingered-Pimple Faced Filth
Have Struck Again
Thanks to the virus writing skills of another useless waste of organic matter, we are having computer problems again. Hence, website updates and ebay responses will be curtailed while we have our PC cleaned out. If you are the proud parent of one of these little geniuses, please consider euthanasia. Unable to do the job yourself? Not a problem. Contact me and I'll gladly gut and filet the putrid fruits of your loins. OK?
Yes, the phone still works.
Part II
For the unpteenth time. NO ATTACHMENTS! We still have people getting pissy and mortally offended because we haven't replied with the desired information or cooed properly about the 5MB photo of their great grandpa's civil war flak helmet they giddily emailed us. For reasons that should be painlessly obvious to all but the severely retarded (aka "really special") we have shrewdly configured our email not to accept messages much larger than 50K. Those with attachments or .zip files are deleted automatically. Here's a quick list, just for review:
If you want us to read you email....
1. Do NOT send attachments. That means pictures (aka pics, photos, images) as well as documents. They won't get through.
2. No videos. (.mpeg, .avi, etc)
3. The subject line must have something in it. "About order", "you guys suck", "where's my helmet", "Gina's hot", "return", "order", "nazi stuff", etc, etc will all do. Mention "viag--", "meds", "barely legal", "mortgage", or "penis enlargement" and it's gone. We don't need sex enhancers, they're plenty of local meth facilities so we don't need to order, Gina looks almost 18 when she wears pigtails and her Japanese school girl outfit, we own, and John Holmes was Daniel's cousin.
4. The quick solution to 90% of the special types who insist on sending us pretty pictures; We don't do appraisals and our lab personnel were all killed in a skateboarding mishap so we can no longer offer radio carbon dating, paint or metallurgical analysis.
Thanks.
Part III
The solution for Virus, Worm and Phishing artists.
This is beyond me. It's simple. One of the large corporations (Microsoft?) which has lost millions due to these "pranks", and also has the money and expertise to locate these wankers needs to borrow/hire a few guys from Alpha Spetsnatz. Three would do. (They seem to consume more steroids and be more brutal than our guys.)
Find the first perp. Let's call him Gothvirusmaster69. GVM for short. Locate the residence of the little fag. With cameras rolling, do a dynamic entry, tie up the parents, lock the sister in the closet, toss the puppy in the oven, kick in GVM's bedroom door, pummel the flabby little sodomite with baseball bats, until he gives the requisite confession, and then brand a "V" (Vaccinated) on his forehead. End with a WWF style, Russian accented warning from the largest guy, wearing a blood spattered ski mask to GVM's buddies. (Make sure there's a good view of him writhing in pain, blood and his own feces in the background) Take said video, post it on the Internet and mail a copy to Al Jazeera. After the second or third installment, I'll bet the introduction of new viruses and worms drops dramatically.
More Prize Winning...
Although a bit of a rehash, this one needs addressing. Lately, we have had a flood of incomplete "expedited" orders. Meaning, email and mail-in orders requesting next day and second day shipping; ones which we cannot fill. Then, within a day or two, we get the obligatory "where's my shit you incompetent pukes" niceties. Thus far, all have been due to customer oversight, which really makes for a bruised ego and a red face when Gina regains her composure and tells them why "us pukes" didn't send their turd box. For any orders, these tips are important, but if you need your stuff overnight, all of the ducks below must be in order, or else you're gonna be sad.
1. Make sure you know that you are ordering from ATF. It has become commonplace in the last couple of years for attention-span-challenged types to place orders or call screaming about an order problem...but the real problem is that they think they are calling WPG, SM, WWII Impressions, etc, etc. After 15 minutes of howling (it tends to be the rude, impatient types most often) we get it through their head that they've contacted the wrong company. A grunt and a click follow.
2. Make sure the item you need is in stock. Check the site. Most charts are up to date. To be certain, call!
3. It's still news to a few. We ship nothing until it's paid for. We don't do COD's, IOU's, checks, 90 days same as cash or payment plans. The French are most famous for the "ship zee stoof now und Iz will payz youz laters". Sorry. The turnip truck dropped us off a few years back and our concussions have healed.
4. Credit Cards:
A: Make sure it's YOUR credit card.
B: Make sure you give us all the numbers and expiration date.
C: Be sure that those numbers are correct.
D: Be sure you have credit on your account with which to pay for your order.
5. Debit Cards: Many of these damned things have daily limits. Often $500. Find out otherwise it may decline despite you having $236,976.74 in your checking account.
6. Don't forget to give us your address. Yes, this happens not infrequently. Remember, we don't ship to PO Boxes.
7. A working telephone number helps in case there's a problem. If your card declines, and we have no way to contact you, we won't send you a letter.
8. If the order is handwritten, please make it legible. Meaning a normal english speaking human being can read the thing. We are not forensic detectives nor egyptologists. If we can't read it, it'll get trashed.
9. Monday is our busiest day. Sometimes we do not get all expedited orders out until Tuesday. If you get your order in before noon, you're probably OK, but after 2 or 3 it won't make it.
Thanks!
Quick Perspective: after several weeks of advertising original carbine slings, the "Carbine Web Ring" and friends has noticed our sculduggery and taken action.
The item generating the turmoil... |
What are we gonna do???
" Message from X: These are not original slings. But I'm sure you know that. What you may not know is that all the Carbine clubs and forums are telling everybody they are fakes. X"
Neglected to scroll down 2 more inches on the slings page:
" LETS CUT OUT THE BULL, ITS A FAKE, ORIGINAL M1 CARBINE SLINGS, REAL ONES SELL FOR $100 OR SO., LOOK AT THE WEAVE, LOOK AT THE SNAPS< I BOUGHT ONE OF THESE WHEN YOU WERE SELLING AT THE MID ATLANTIC AIR MUSEUM WW2 WEEKEND IN JUNE AT READING PA TO USE AS NOT MESS UP MY REAL ONE, I ALSO BOUGHT YOUR REPRO WW2 HBT SETS AS NOT TO MESS UP MY REAL WW2 HBTS. THEY ARE GOOD QUALITY. AT YOR SIGHT AT THE FRONT AT LEAST YOU LIST THEM HONEST AS REPROS."
Followed shortly by yet another revelation:
" O YES< I GET IT, A PLAY ON WORDS, REAL ATF CARBINE SLINGS, YES< THEY ARE REAL ATF CARBINE SLINGS, NOT WW2 ISSUE, HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID, DDHHAAAAAA. "
Dear X, esteemed forum and club members, and Mr.DDHHAAAAAA,
Jeepers! The forum?? Oh no!
This is why I hate dealing with original anything anymore. If it's not perfect, it's not good enough for "my collection". But if it's perfect or doesn't match the one in the book, it's a fake. Short of radio carbon dating, these are, in my best amateur opinion, original. (I know, the forum members surely know alot more about shuttle looms, mercerized cotton, manufacturing gear and uniforms, hardware and my sources than I ever will).
So what is it this time that the collectors deem to make these 60 years younger? No date? Incorrect patina on the tip? Wrong number of fibers in the ribbing? "Snaps don't blacklight" right?
The webbing is period.
The lift-the-dots are period.
I don't like the buckles and tips very much, but I have hundred of pounds of original, new in the box, WWII production US military hardware that we have accumulated over the years and some of it does indeed have that ugly gloss black finish.
These came from left over Nationalist Chinese stores. We bought all this old junk as "surplus". The price was commensurate with "surplus". So was the quantity. The other items in the same find were pistol belts, Thompson, carbine and .45 pouches which have all been "blessed" by the collecting minions. It makes no sense for someone to have tossed in a truckload of repro slings to sweeten the deal.
Were I trying to pimp out repros as authentic WWII, I would not use shiny black tips and buckles and I would be smart enough to have incorporated crispy maker marks and dates to make the club members happy. Trying to pass these off is akin to a car thief who risks jail by stealing '87 Ford Escorts when the same effort could net him new BMW's. With 45 sewing machines and hundreds of pounds of real parts I could do a better job of making fakes and I would certainly spend my effort on something rarer and more profitable. Had I possessed more foresight, and been only partially dishonest, we could have changed out the tips and buckles (I have them with the "happier collector" dull phosphate finish) and smacked some marks and dates on them. But no, I'm just a run of the mill scoundrel whose bulb isn't the brightest who sells real stuff for about the same price as fakes.
For what it's worth, some of the carbine collectors who have seen these in person had mixed opinions at first (myself included), but all eventually decided that they were OK after some fondling, sniffing, looking through the bundles etc, etc.
And for the geniuses who remember that we have carried repro carbine slings (at least we called them repros...maybe they were original, but we were trying to see if you'd notice) those are quite different from these and we can provides pics of each to compare if necessary so you can see for your little selves. There are some imbeciles who might attempt such a switch, (advertise repros, then switch the description 2 years later) but we're not one of them.
Bottomline; I don't care what originals "normally" sell for. "Experts" have been emailing us claiming anywhere from $20-$100 is the norm. Obviously they know what they're talking about... I've priced these on the low side. Not because they're fake, but because we have lots of them and I'm in the business to sell things not accumulate them.
We already make hundreds of reproductions. That's 98% of our sales. We have no need to screw people. You can see by our feedback (Ebay) that lying and screwing everyone is the routine around here. You are entitled to your own opinions.
Busted! Finally...
At long last, a five finger discounter has been nabbed. At the Iola show last weekend, it finally happened. No, it wasn't a lecharous member of the public, nor a local meth lab assitant, but (horrors!) a re-enactor. Now in the interest of "innocent until proven guilty", no names or units will be posted. Suffice to say it was a member of an axis unit in his early 20's who has a good impression. Apparently he re-enacts a cat burglar after dark.
Anyway, as reported by the plaintiff in the upcoming legal proceeding, said discounter entered his tent around 1 am and helped himself to two rifles. Unfortunately for Unteroffizier Stickiefingers, a member of the local constabulary (a real one, not a pretend type) was waiting for him as he wriggled out from underneath the side of the tent with his soon-to-be-removed treasures in hand. It seems he was observed low crawling into the tent by a pint sized block watch captain, who hailed the gendarme who happened to be strolling in the immediate area.
Doubly tragic for Herr Stickie, it was reported that he already has a felony (type unknown) from a past incident.
Wisconsin is a 3 strikes state.
Hope he only had one...cause the new one plus anymore than one is enough for an out.
When I started re-enacting, I too was a believer that "comrades" didn't steal, but that changed years ago. When I was about 16 and "Feldmarschall" Willard was put in charge of the HRS treasury and a guy who was hanging around in the LAH cleaned the unit's clock.
Lesson learned, "don't trust nobody" and lock your doors...er tent flaps.
And some of you have gotten indignant with our display boards having stuff wired or nailed down so it's hard to steal.....
Religion Gone Wrong
Don't ask me how I found this crap. OK, his site used to be so awful as to be mildly entertaining, particularly to those of us with crass and tactless senses of humor. But this guy has lost his mind. His marbles were always a bit loose, but you could usually follow his logic, what there was of it.
In case you are unaware of Westboro Baptist, they are famous for their pretty much one track minded ministry of ranting about gays and gay issues. Apparently Ellen DeGeneres, Barney Frank, AIDS quilts, and "gender irrelevant" marriage are the harbingers of the apocalypse. If you disagree with Fred, you're a FAG. That's not so unusual. For centuries, people with contradictory opinions (or those who ate too much fruit from that little tree in the garden and kept asking questions) have been described as infidels, blasphemers, witches, "devil leaguers", or kindling of one sort or another. I suspect that Fred wanted to make his own way and stand out from the crowd a bit. Obnoxious, yes, but nothing incredible. Just another "attention getting device." He's been on numerous TV shows and can be a trip in that "holy shit I don't believe he did that" sort of way. He claims to have picketted 22,000 events in his career. The question "don't these people have jobs?" comes to mind...but that's not the issue.
Anyway, the guy has been what one might describe as "colorful" over the years, but this takes the cake. I have a sarcastic response for nearly any situation, but I'm utterly lost here. One can interpret/deduce/pervert the scriptures (of any religion) in countless ways. Even if the authors were trying to be specific, some dirtbag can find an exception or a rule to fit their own need or desire somewhere on one or more pages. That's what keeps it so entertaining. I thought Jim Bakker and Jim Jones stretched some lines to justify their water parks and kool aid picnics. But to picket the funerals of U.S. soldiers because some joker tossed a pipe bomb under your daughter's van ten years ago...? To claim divine retribution after all the crap one has stirred over the years? Even O.B.L. would probably say "WTF"?
Secondly, to stand around the funerals of Marines and soldiers with signs saying "Thank God for Dead Soldiers, IEDs, and Sept. 11th" mystifies me. It's unhealthy. Why are these loons still breathing? If they had done this at the funeral for a guy from my team...there would indeed be retribution. There would be no need to have Holy assistance. It could be taken care of sans divine intervention.
Warning! If you hold the alternative lifestyle dear, this guy's site will offend. I've summed up his activities and I am not advocating a visit.
If you're curious, here's the link: www.godhatesfags.com
Original huh?
Before ranting at us about this rant:
1. I'm not picking on anybody's religion. Sometimes I make a little jab, but this isn't one of them.
2. I'm not promoting this guy or his agenda. Personally, despite my jokes and some peoples' opinions regarding my own attitudes/ preferences I don't care who or what you love. So long as it's consensual. If it's really freaky or stupid, I may use it in a rant (plushies, furries, action dolls) but I damn no one for their choice of "partner". I pick on everyone more or less equally.
3. I am not advocating any illegal or harmful action against anyone. I'm simply expressing my surprise that nothing bad has befallen these....people.
4. Please don't email us scripture to explain Fred Phelp's point. I am familiar with it, have a Bible and know that part of it. The authors weren't too hot on man-love. I live in the Bible Belt. OK? This is not about salvation or religion. It's about really stretching the scripture to one's own need to justify something. It's that "something" that baffles me.
4. Perhaps I'm shocked that I have found something that even I find completely tasteless and inexcusable. In most cases, I can imagine where a person is coming from and understand their beef and their logic even if I disagree with it or think they're insane. Even psychotic people often have a method to their madness. But this....WTF? For once, there is no excuse.
Language and religion comment: A few people, some of them my close friends, fuss about my occasional use of "naughty" words. Especially the churchgoers. But ponder me this. To "take the Lord's name in vain" consists of half a dozen common expressions. Only one truly fits the bill. We'll refer to it as "Gd." However, the other words that are so offensive to the pious don't fit the definition. They are simply words for (hopefully) everyday activities or body parts. These words are considered, by cultural standards, rude, inappropriate, and sometimes offensive, but they are not "curses". To curse one would need to use "damn" or "curse" and perhaps invoke the name of some divinity to give the spell some weight. So before squalling at me for using synonyms of poop, sex, buttock, phallus, rectum and donkey or combinations thereof (tinyphalluswhohumpsbugs) think about it. This is off topic, but it just occurred to me, so I wanted to share my mental outburst.
WWPW
With rare exceptions I stay away from religion on the rants. Occasionally, I do discern that some things are indeed best left alone. But I had to borrow and modify one of the catchy acronyms developed by the evangelical marketing whizzes. So I'm giving credit here. OK? I've decided to modify "WWJD" to "WWPW". Give you one guess.
"What Would Paratroopers Wear"
Cute huh? Yes, this is another pick at our cash cow rant. It simply drives me nuts. Hey, I have an honest business concept for somebody. Let's call it "Bob's Movie Gear". 506 Currahhee Street. Anywhere USA. Bob could make a fortune by reproducing airborne movie gear. Think of it. You don't have to spend thousands on original W.W.II paratrooper uniforms to copy. All you need is a DVD player and $50 for a BOB box set! Then, you get one of them nifty printers and send pics to the guys in Pakistan, Mexico or China and have them make you "Bob Wear"! I'm sure they can work from pics or maybe you could buy them a DVD too. Anyway, develop complete outfits for every character in all the cool army flicks. Think of it...your customers could be "Captain Miller" on Monday, "Major Winters" on Tuesday, "Col Sink" Wednesday, "Crapgame" Thursday and "Lt. Triebig" for the bash at the Blue Oyster Club on Friday night!
Alas, we're too busy trying to reproduce the gear worn in the actual War. Remember, W.W.II? It wasn't a Dreamworks or Warner Brothers production. What a revelation...
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Paratrooping re-enactors.
(Just so genuine paratroopers don't get offended.)
The latest rantable numbskullery.
"I need my uniform to be the same color as the one in episode 4 of Band of Brothers. Yours look greener/ browner/ pinker/ etc, etc."
Not only is the new generation of re-enactors far less informed than previous ones, they seem challenged when it comes to common sense and basic reasoning of any kind. Some of them act as though an angel disguised as a golden salamander appeared at their bed and sent them on a divine mission...and we have their treasure buried in the warehouse. (Bad Rollin. Bad...shut up...I'm on a roll...) Unfortunately, the divine amphibian didn't inject them with any knowledge of what a paratrooper is, was, does or wears; only that being one is really-super-awesome-cool and they're in the movies. Despite reams universally accepted historical documents, they are determined to write their own Airborne Bible based not on historical facts, but rather a vision...er film. When we utter anything that doesn't fit their apparition/ fantasy, they get very pissy and indignant. We're trying our best to readjust our Weltanschaung remembering that the definition of "authentic" has been amended from "like an original" to "like the one on DVD". Please be patient. It will take time to reprogram our minds to this new way of thinking. Hopefully, we'll be able to make the transition from WWII Re-enacting to the new religion of Mini-Series Re-enacting smoothly and rapidly. Please pardon any inconveniences our inexperience creates.
Anyway, the answer to the query of the week is...the outifts in the movies aren't in their natural (new) color. The are dirty; both real dirt and artificially aged. No, I don't have the formula. If you want to look like a real soldier, or an actor in a war flick, you'll have to get dirty. Sorry. Next...
Shipping Charges
I must apologize to the dirty laundry addicts, this isn't a rant, it's an explanation. For the last month, we experimented with a weight based system for determining shipping charges. I thought it would be simpler, more fair and cheaper in many cases. However, it's a flop. We had a few hard core types (as usual) insist that 5 pairs of boots couldn't weigh more than 9 pounds or that a smock would indeed fit into a padded envelope. However, the bottomline was that we lost just over $2,200 over 4 weeks in the ordeal. Normally, we break about even. Yes, I know, UPS charges by weight and zone (basically zip code) but since we don't have an automated inventory/ ordering system, much less one that ties into their computer, we have no efficient way to compute actual cost. Additionally, we spend about $1,000 per month on boxes. They average out to about 80 cents each. No, Genius, we're not going to stake out Walmart's dumpster for free boxes. We'd have to fight the old guy with the beat up F150 who earns his living collecting "recyclables". I spent all weekend snooping other companies sites looking for ideas. US Cavalry, Brigade QM, J.Crew, Sportsman's Guide and numerous other "big dogs" have apparently discovered the same thing. They all use rate charts based on the cost of the order. LL Bean is the only one of them all who appears to subsidize (eat) much of what their orders must cost to ship. However, due to their enormous volume, the Post and UPS give them some discount, but how much is hard to say. All I can offer are a few suggestions:
1. Plan ahead. Just a little. Most of you characters know when the events are. Check your gear (like a good trooper) the week before and see if you're missing anything. This can save you from paying overnight shipping for a damned belt buckle. Likewise, we know some people simply have money to burn, but there are better ways to turn Franklins into ashes than demanding we Next Day Air 12 tunic buttons. On a Monday. Since when are there events on Tuesday???
Try a titty bar or a casino....jeeez.
2. Take 10 minutes extra and double check your order. Make sure you have everything you need. We have many, many people want to "add on" to their order...that we shipped the day before. We're fast. Sometimes too fast. Like teenage boys...
3. Quit dribbling. We have a crew of guys who order $20 worth of stuff each week. Why not wait and order $80 per month? It'd save $20-30 in shipping! If you're the one who splits $20 orders between 3 credit cards (I'm not shittin') then you have other problems at hand. It's OK.
And just to brighten your weekend a bit more....
They're yammering about $3.50 per gallon gas prices this summer.
For the last damned time:
Do Not
call us to ask about your orders with other vendors!
Although it's usually the same three panic stricken individuals, this goes for everybody.
Once again, let's review the painfully obvious facts that all but a few "special needs" types fail to comprehend without remedial instruction.
1. Since when did the principle of calling the particular company with which you are doing business (rather than another one down the street) in order to check on your business (with them) fall off of the list of common sense, needn't be explained concepts? About 6 months ago. What do you meatheads think we have? A crystal ball or interlocking computer network that allows us to track the status of your orders with all militaria companies worldwide? Sorry, we had to sell the system in order to stave off impending bankruptcy. Ever since Dragon started making uniforms in 1.5/1 scale, we can hardly pay our bills....
2. Just because a website is down, email isn't answered as quickly as you wish or someone didn't pay their phone bill doesn't mean they've robbed you. I know of only 3 militaria companies (out of nearly 100) that went out of business in the last 10 years. (One actually went bankrupt and the other screwed so many people I think the jerk simply feared for his life.) In 99.9% of cases when you are having trouble reaching someone, the reason has nothing to do with larceny or fraud.
3. Although we have a full time order and shipping staff, we are the exception, not the rule in this business. Please realize, that most of our competitors are family run, home based businesses. Courtesy calls, email verifications, 24 hour complaint hotlines and online tracking of your helmet restoration are unlikely. Shocking and sad I know, but some people just aren't yet in the 21st century. When there are only one or two people to make stuff, take your calls, do shows and battles, run errands and ship orders it often happens that one must turn off the phone for awhile in order to get caught up. Email can take several days or a week to answer. This applies triple for the guys who do "custom orders" as their clients demand much more phone time for consultation and frequent alterations of their orders.
Review: If you have a question about an order with a vendor other than us, At the Front, I'm terribly sorry to inform you that we do not have the information you are looking for. Additionally, I am further pained beyond words to say that we do not have a staff properly qualified to counsel you and rebuild your battered sense of self esteem resulting from other vendors' failure to contact you in the time frame that suits your fancy. If you still think that we're going to somehow a wave magic wand and make your order from one of our competitors appear on your doorstep, then you are a blithering idiot. Thank you.
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Some guys don't even rate the name "crook" because they're too damned stupid to accomplish the tasks necessary to earn the title. Here's some clues and advice to the budding thieves and con artists that cross our path.
1. We know some other vendor's products look kinda similar to our own, but we do know the difference. Just because they've refused to take the item back and give you money doesn't mean that we're dumb enough to mistake it for our own and give you green. Make an effort..at least try to make up a fake receipt!
2. I know, we're probably slitting our own throats here, but nobody gets free samples. No, not even Acme War Films LTD. Yes, I know Dreamworks and Warner Brothers had to start somewhere, but we're not in the business of subsidizing every "independent" film company (4 re-enactors who are shareholders in the Sony Camcorder...that they borrowed from their Mom...). Again, the bruises on our buttocks (from falling off the turnip truck) are largely healed. Try harder Buckwheat.
3. Rollin doesn't talk to anybody. I'm too stuck up and pre-occupied with my new website (www.mytrailerpark.com) to be bothered with the mortals populating the militaria world. Telling the people here that "Rolands personally says I kood have one" is the best way to set off the bullshit alarm. Find a new one....that's not even my name.
4. Once you claim that something was left out of your order (meaning you want a freebie), be careful. Yes, we do screw up a few orders, but we can usually see the problem when we look at the invoice as to why it was packed incorrectly (or not at all.). When a "mispack" looks fishy, we flag your future orders and double or triple check them. Claiming that we left the same 2 patches out of 4 consecutive orders is not smart. Especially when they are patches that we've never offered!
5. This should go without saying but... It is advisable to make sure that the item you return to us...really came from us. If you buy a shirt from WPG...return it to WPG. Not us. Just a hint.
6. We mark our defects. The "seconds" and "defects" that we sell at shows are marked as such. We also do not give receipts with them. It may appear brilliant to send one back and demand an exchange hoping to get a first quality one for free...but you won't have a receipt and we know how they are marked. Then we'll just cut you off.
7. Olympic Contender: "I bowt these boots 5 yeers ago. They need new souls. I called Pete and explained to him how I's needs reel hikorie (not berch or pine) wood peggs, in even numbers, with 1942 or 43 dated hobbnails in a diemond pattern, and jenuine gortexas heels held on by platnum nales. He lisened for darned near 2 ours to me and then says that it caint be dun. I expect a refund and a new pair of boots for my suffering."
Your suffering? What about Pete's??? Criminal intent is not even in the offing. The words are too big and too hard to spell....
The majority of these incidents are funny and pathetic. But most are annoying simply due to the fact that somebody thinks we're as stupid as they are and expects us to fall for it. When someone actually makes an intelligent attempt at buggering us, we'll give you credit for effort. We'll still cut you off, but we won't put you on the site for everyone on the internet to laugh at. For you intellectually challenged types, we suggest buying a server and doing bulk mail (spam). It might be more lucrative. You'll get to meet some people with similar IQ's. Perhaps you'll make some new friends.
No, we didn't forget to update our website.
We simply have no news concerning the item you are dying for.
Here we go.
Again.
"I want this but I don't see it on your site " = you messed up/forgot/have it hidden somewhere/went out of business/don't care about your customers/ etc ad nauseum.
Here's the web primer again.
A webpage is one file. A website is a collection of webpages linked together. Our website is made up of about 260 webpages. Each webpage is an individual file. We update the websitedaily...often 10 or 12 times. Sometimes we miss something, but not often. There are many companies who rarely update their websites. We aren't one of them. However, updating the website, consists of updating the "new" page and then the page relevant to the item(s) that have been restocked, sold out, changed color, been recalled, crucified, broiled, excommunicated, disemboweled, or impregnated. The date counter will only change on the particular page or pages that were modified. Not all 260.
For example; We finish some US HBT uniforms. Then we will go to the "us_uni_hbt.htm" page, change the availability chart and upload it. This does no good for Ralph, who is waiting on the edge of his seat for Japanese paratrooper boots to come in. He refreshes the Japanese uniform page thrice daily. Guess what? No change. Did we fail to update the website? No. We didn't update thewebpage he wants us to. Why on God's green earth not? Because we have no news concerning Jap Para footies. Although I am more regretful than a puppy sitting in a pool of alcohol shittin' razor blades, we don't have time to simply resave all 260 pages daily so that the date counters will stay current and keep Ralph's stress level manageable. There are treatment centers for stress management, but we aren't one of them.
You can call and ask questions. But the trend of the retreads of late is to notice that some obscure page on our site hasn't been updated in 9 months and then go to their favorite chat line and ask whether or not we've gone under and incite a panic. Or...to call us and go round and round trying to understand what has been typed in the above paragraphs. In other words, why the hell don't we have what they want. Now.
If you yo-yos only knew what this hobby was like in 1985...or 1995. This is heaven. Appreciate it.
No Brainer Reviews:
When it rains it pours. Harder than a tall cow pissing on a flat rock....
1. Cotton shrinks when you wash it. We try to bullhorn this fact all over the site and to everyone when they buy a uniform, but we miss a few.
2. Due to N.B. #1, we make our cotton uniforms bigger to account for the shrinkage. Of course, a fair number of "N.B. Challenged" (hereafter "NBC"'s) types complain about the "gibbon" suits (long arm joke) Wait until they wash most any of the other repro uniforms out there. Gibbons suits are better than Dachshund suits!
3. Cotton eventually fades. Originals do too. So does everything cotton you buy at Banana Republic. It's pyshics and chemistry. Quit arguing. Get a psychic to dial up Newton's ghost to see about an amendment for your uniform.
4. Shipping isn't free. UPS trucks run on diesel fuel, not a magic carpet. You're welcome to drive here to pick up your order....
5. Volume discount means that you need to purchase a certain quantity. Not desire a certain quantity...with a free sample in your size first. We may be in Kentucky, and Ma may have taught us everything, but even she wouldn't have expected us to fall for that one.
6. Dear NBC's: This is ATF. If you have an order pending or a problem with an order you placed with LB, SM, Grigsby, IMA, SARCO, L.L.Bean, Barely Legal Magazine, Dixie Feed and Seed, or Grenadier Despot you will need to ask them about it. We can't help you.
7. If you mail us a check, you'll get it back. We don't take checks. Too many bounce. That's what the big red "no checks" wording on the ordering page is about.
8. We ship after we receive payment. Just because you put a money order in an envelope and gave it to Mr. Postman today, does not mean that you'll have your order tomorrow. Also, instead of calling us 3 times per day, starting with the day Mr. Postman took it, to ask "got my order yet???", try certified mail or UPS. Then you'll know how long it will take to get to us. First class has taken as long as 2 weeks to reach us. From Ohio.
9. We are here to make and ship your stuff. Not to counsel you on your divorce, help you find your cat, reassure you that you will be awarded the War Merit Cross at the next event, nor to explain why you haven't gotten your membership card from WWII Inc yet. We no longer have re-enactors as sales people. Why? Seems logical. Took my stupid ass 5 years to figure out that it simply turns my business into re-enactor toll free panzer hero chat central. Your orders then take 2 weeks to ship which leads to squalling. Squalling annoys the piss out of me. So in the interest of peace, quiet and efficiency, our people know what we have, when we can get it to you and little else. For historical reference, I try to put the basics on the site in the item description. For more detail, you need to try elsewhere. We don't have the time or resources to be a toll free text book.
10. Last but not least. We don't know what size you are. Phone lines have come a long way in the last 100 years, but they still do not allow us to reach through the receiver and wrap a tape measure around your pooper. If you are completely confused as to your dimensions, and gremlins have maliciously eaten all the size tags from your clothing, your best bet is to journey to the local Department store (or Walmart, Target) etc and ask for help. Get your neck, chest, waist and inseam (don't forget to write it down) and then call us. Seems the new rage is to get pissy on the phone when our ignorance of what size you wear manifests itself. There's no need to be an idiot.
The deluge has begun. We're drowning in returned M43 Field Jackets. Whats' wrong with them? Buttons fell off? Wrong color? Sleeves on backwards? Hardly. There's no problem with the jackets. The problem is with the meatheads who don't pay attention to the super-simple sizing instructions. We go through this constantly, but in the last 6 months, the "what size do I wear/ you guys are stupid-I'll show you how smart I am" nonsense is reaching endemic proportions.
What the Hell is wrong with you people??? Can you not read English?
Nine out of ten, we get an XL back to exchange for a Large or a Medium. Dr. Buckwheat figures that we're too ignorant to know how his Paratrooping self is going to wear his screamin' eagle coat and he can't fathom the possibility that we might be capable of realizing that field jackets need to be big so he can wear stuff underneath. Just because we're in Kentucky and have family trees with fewer branches than most don't mean we can't size a damned jacket. Anyway, Dr.B then disregards the sizing charts, recommendations and rants. Our hero-to-be proceeds to order a jacket designed for a 220 pound dude with 48 inch taters and then calls to scream bloody mary and holy cow when the thing swamps his 140 pound 40 inch breasted self. What did you expect Nitwit? Spandex?
Yup. You sure showed us a thing or two! Golly gee whizz mister...
Stated a bit more clearly, but still tactlessly:
1. We know how to size our junk. Follow our instructions, not your intuition, and 98% of the time you'll be fine. It'll fit.
2. All of our cotton uniforms are oversized to allow for shrinkage and the wearing of undergarments. We don't make hobbit clothing.
3. If you have absolutely no idea what size you wear, we can't help you. This is apparently quite a shock to some guys, but we are unable to examine you through the phone line and our Miss Cleo hotline has been having technical difficulties since her conviction. We recommend that you ask your mom, research your attire (look at the little tags in your clothes), or go to the men's clothing department at Dillards, wave your arms and cry "help."
International Customers
No more Global Priority Boxes or envelopes! All orders must now be shipped via EMS or UPS. The post has lost nearly a dozen Global Priority boxes in the last month and we do not have time to go round and round arguing whether or not we shipped your cap or helmet cover. As Global Priority has no tracking, and often takes 4-6 weeks to be delivered, we cannot locate the package nor prove that we shipped it. We've learned our lesson. Every time we try one of the cheaper shipping options, we get screwed. 80% of you guys are great, but the 20% who demand $3 shipping with 3 day delivery to Verdun, then file chargebacks with Mastercard and accuse us of theft after their treasure fails to arrive within 48 hours have ruined it for everyone else. This is unacceptable and will not continue. It will be more expensive, but that's the way it goes. Sorry. |
Is there a Nit-wit Militaria Fan Chat Room or what?
You may have noticed from the rants, that the foolishness comes in waves. The trends are consistent yet finite. We rarely have a single, isolated grand prize winning idiot request of outstanding quality. It's usually the same request, demand or tizzy-fit from a dozen or more individual meat heads over the span of a couple of weeks. Like the "pay my customs duties" bullshit.
Week one: "I'm vaiting vor mees refunds. Le post haz charged me $21 taxes."
Week Two (after tactic #1 one meets with no success): "Upon examination wiz le microscope, youz prodooct hazz a flaws. I require $30 dizcount."
Week Three (Still no luck with angles 1 and 2): "If you not satisfy meez, zen I weel inform all of my comradz of yous bad beezness policies."
What's intriguing is that this isn't just from one bonehead. There are at least 4 pulling the same crap at the same time. I realize that communication is pretty quick nowadays, but it seems incredible that 4 yo-yos from 4 different countries would decide to try the same crap at the same time. People have fussed about their customs duties for years, but until about 6 weeks ago, no one threatened to "out" us because we wouldn't pay their country's duties. Is this a foreign concept to Frenchmen who were born in 1972 or what?
I realize that the WWII re-enactor lists may enable some of these things. Like this week's silly query du jour:
"How do your M43 Field Jackets compare to Norwegian jackets?"
WTF?? We copied an original WWII coat. They look like a WWII US jacket...don't give a shit about the Norweigian ones (or Swedish or Thai, etc, etc). Three calls on that yesterday.
Some other trendy questions competing for the meathead of the year award:
"I sent Grigsby my helmet 3 weeks ago. Would you know when he's going to ship it to me?"
Sure, I have a degree from Miss Cleo...
"What is the historical significance of the little green lines in German camo?"
The Germans liked grass...?
"I'm 5'8" and wear a 9 shoe. What is my hat size?"
Ask your algebra teacher...
"Your US helmets are much too small. I need a larger size."
( When we explain that the liners adjust we are cussed and called liars.)
"Which khaki are your US HBT's?"
Burgundy. With a hint of huckleberry....
The beef here is this. Although there are many legitimate questions about lots of things, it's amazing how many really silly ideas occur to people. If they are posted on a message board somewhere, in public, why is it that the 3 people on the globe who are willing to believe these wacko concepts always call us.
Sometimes it's entertaining, but often it simply wears you out.
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Collateral Damage
Seems my prickly demeanor has intimidated or scared off some customers who should not have been. If you have legitimate questions (Do you have my size? Which collar tabs are correct? Etc., etc.) or problems with our products (peeling Y-straps, 2 left sleeves on a shirt, streaking HBT's, etc., etc.) by all means contact us! It's OK. The rants and hostile text are meant for the nitwits, (do you have Hitler's helmet?), plushies (please consult the Dragon Doll #69 before dying your next batch of fabric), cokeheads (heeeyyy Duuudddee...got any army stufffff?), khaki nazis (are you SURE you know what I mean when I say KHAKI???), and retards (I microwaved mees helmite. It go BOOM.) . I realize that when you start throwing bombs around, there will inevitably be some unintentional casualties. Collateral damage....
We are not a locator servicefor other dealers!
Dealer X or Snuffy's Militaria (hypothetical names only, don't get excited thinking there's some new stuff you're missing out on) takes a vacation for a few days or simply doesn't answer their telephone when you want them to. That's a problem between YOU and THEM. Do not attempt to involve us! We don't have Snuffy's home number, cell number or top secret hot line number to give out so you can find out why you don't have your helmmie, toonik, or action(!) figure yet. ATF runs ATF. We do not offer a locator service to find other dealers when they are unavailable for some reason. We're going to start giving you jackasses the Houston Gay Lesbian/ Transgender hotline number.
Sorry we ship too damned fast.
Several other dealers have commented that we have spoiled the re-enactors (and other people who buy this crazy crap) because we usually ship the same day they order something. When the other dealers require a few days or God forbid a week to get an order out, they catch hell for "poor customer service" or are accused of making off with someone's precious steel pot. ATF used to take 2-3 weeks to ship until 2001 or so. Most other companies have 1 or 2 employees (if any other than the owner); we have 3 people dedicated to taking and shipping orders. And 12 more making stuff we can call on in a pinch. That is the exception in this business, not the rule. Running basic errands, going to the bank, the hardware store, taking orders, making orders, packing orders and taking them to the post office or UPS is alot of work.
This stuff takes time.
In the 1980's it took 6 months to a year to receive a uniform from New Columbia, Jack Hanger or Bud O'Toole. It caused all kinds of fits. Such facts are the reason I decided early on, never to take payment for items I did not have ready to ship. Now you can get a toonik or schmock next day. You guys are getting spoiled. The few people still kind (or insane) enough to offer "custom" services, whether it's painting helmets, tailoring uniforms or making laser etched dog tags for your love doll (er..sorry, action figure) should be respected, not ranted at 'cause you think 2 weeks is WAY too long to go without your darned helmet. 90% are home based, sole proprietor operations, and you need to allow a pretty large margin for error when they give you time guesstimates. You may not like to, but it's the intelligent thing to do. Most aren't lying, they simply under-compensate sometimes. When you're a one or two person band, a 4 day trip to a military show puts you a week behind on orders. Even though they are slow, try to appreciate the guys who do the things we refuse to.
Leave them alone....
Especially with the custom order guys, be considerate. There are several reasons they may not be answering the phone.
1. They have sold all your shit on ebay and they're living it up in Cancun.
2. They aren't home or at their shop.
3. Your number shows up on their caller ID and they're sick of you annoying the crap out of them.
Pestering an artist/ tailor is bad. If he's really late or doing something wrong, it's one thing. But calling 6 times per day to snivel invokes the unwritten rule that pests' orders go to the bottom of the pile. Call them at home at 3 a.m. (happens) and your helmet will get peed in or your ranger patch will be in somebody's sweaty buttcrack for 4 hours being fermented before it's shipped. (Happened*) This is especially true for the deaf and retarded types. You tell them "4-6 weeks", and they start calling to "check on their order" after 4 days. Ditto for shit-shooters. If you chat with the poor guy for 2 hours about how W.W.II Inc's life insurance policy looks fishy to you (blah blah blah), he just wasted 2 hours that could have gotten your order done.
*No, we weren't responsible for that one.
"$99 Vacation Whores"
Once again, the vile telemarketing/ spam jockeys have found a new way to waste our/ your time and money. FAX spamming. To make matters worse, there is a bill sneaking through congress, that would allow these inbred pieces of crap to fax anyone and everyone with complete impunity...as much as they want. If anyone knows the bill number and name of the piece of shit congressperson sponsoring it, please let me know and it'll get posted. (The congress member's fax number wouldn't hurt either!)
The result for you all is this: we are turning off our fax machine.
If you want to fax an order, just call us and we'll turn it on.
As for retaliation, how's this:
1. If one calls their "remove me from the list" number, they simply send you more crap.
2. The fax spammers are paid by the companies whose wares (in other words; feces) they are trying to con you into buying. So...
3. Since the human trash who answers the phone numbers given on the advertisements are enabling the spammers and are thus equally (if not more) culpable...let's mess with them.
4. I tried calling and asking the "$99 vacation whores" for their FAX numbers and that really gets them pissy. They won't give it out. But...I do have a fax machine and a telephone number. What's the most annoying thing you can imagine involving those two things? Right! When some imbecile tries to send a fax to your regular number and you get to listen to sqeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk.....
You see where this is going? Since lots of you guys read this, and some of you have faxes...and the "$99 vacation whores" use toll free numbers...let's waste some of their time and money. Payback for all the wasted toners, paper and ink cartridges.
We'll post a "vacation whore" company number and everybody try to fax the number. If you want to call and bug them for their fax number, that'll be fun too. Or call and act like a deaf retard and drool on the phone, etc., etc.. Unlike email spammers, these bastards are reachable!
Here we go:
1. "For $49 Health Care" (what is it...a vet's office in Port au Prince?) (Company name not given. Are they ashamed or don't want to be tracked down?) 866-894-4434
or
2. "$79 Disney vacations" (that won't get your ass through the gate? WTF? Lying scum...) Anyway (again no company name) 800-635-0214 ("If lines are busy keep trying" it says right on their sheet! Wave the red flag honey...wave it.) |
Lastly, one minor request. These scum can only operate if somebody, somewhere, is dumb enough to respond to their offers. If you know of anyone who buys from spammers of any kind, please cut off their hands (or incapacitate them in some minor way) so as to prevent them from buying any more from these filth. And if you know a spammer, give him or her my heartfelt wishes that they contract leprosy, colon cancer and flesh eating bacteria...but linger for 30 years.
Please, just for history's sake, do something besides airborne.
Hundreds of thousands of soldiers fought, froze, sweated, suffered innumerable hardships and gave years of their lives in the service of their respective nations. Many lost their minds, parts of their bodies, or their lives. This may be a shock, but most were not in the 101st.
Why do I give a damn? Why risk hurting our sales of paratrooper uniforms by picking on the 506th? True, we could make a living off just paratrooper uniforms. And it would simplify my business if everybody just did B.O.B. re-enacting. Money is money right? (No, this hasn't been inspired because we are running out of khaki cotton and I'm trying to inspire people to buy other products. We still have at least 3,000 yards on hand.)
The reason is that I was and am a re-enactor. This hobby , supposedly, strives to accurately recreate certain time periods in history. At least that's the way I have understood it for 25 years. I also have some sense of proportion. From those standpoints, it just seems that the airborne to everybody else ratio has gotten farb. (Don't start about the SS to Heer ratio...that cannot even begin to compete with paratrooper mainia.) At some events, the 506th outnumbers all other re-enactors (Allied and Axis) as well as the spectators. That's nuts. How can you have a "battle" if everyone is in the same unit? "Going airborne" nowadays is about as original as putting one of those number 3's with "in memory of" in the back window of your F150..
Before joining the crowd, just look at this in a practical sense. Even for a minute. Airborne helmets and uniforms are more expensive, paratrooper jackets make some people look fat, khaki shows dirt far worse than other uniform colors, paratroopers don't get to wear camo and, worst of all, you won't stand out. You'll look like everybody else.
Simply considering the US re-enacting options, there are dozens of good units to portray. The 101st was in and out of combat for all of 9 months. Many of the Infantry divisions were engaged for nearly 3 years. Not that the members of the 101st didn't earn their reputation, but what about the 1st, 2nd or 3rd Infantry Divisions? They were in continuous combat for much longer periods, often in worse conditions and suffered far more casualties. In B.O.B. they are grousing that they were to have been relieved within a few days. When did they to go back to England...July? What about the 4th and 29th Infantry Divisions? Or the soldiers in dozens of other units? When did they get to go back to the UK for a refit and a break? Look what the poor guys in the 36th ID went through in Italy. Darby's Rangers? 1st Armored? This could go on all day. Millions of troops of the Wehrmacht, Red Army, England, Japan and dozens of other countries made their contributions to the whole affair. And when there are more units of the 101st than just about all others combined, that's practically an insult to the rest of the veterans...think about it.
The 101st was a great unit. But they didn't do it alone. They had a little help. Don't forget about those men and women who didn't wear a puking chicken patch.
I wanna talk to the owner!
Here we go again. This comes in surges. Nothing for a month, then 6 characters in one day go into tizzies because they want the owner to handle their order personally. They get creative sometimes. Pretend to be long lost friends or relatives. Have their Mom call. Call back repeatedly trying to disguise their voice. But my favorite is "ABC Productions...an independent film studio making a new mini-series." AKA, 3 re-enactors from Virginia who got a new camcorder at Circuit City. Sorry, but no!
I haven't taken orders or customer calls for about 5 years. Why? Am I rude? Don't care about my customers? Think I'm better than everyone else? Not exactly, but I do prefer to go on a date with a live organism rather than spend a quiet evening at home with my action figure...
Anyway, let's not get that going again. (Let them calm down a bit, then I'll stir the pot again.) It's almost purely a matter of time and a bit of psychology. The latter point is due to my dislike of selling things. Despite what people may think, I never pictured myself as a "merchant" and I have never liked taking money. Yes, I'm weird. Just ask anyone who's gotten a "special delivery" from me. However, the primary reason is time. Once in great random while I will take an order. But it's always a mistake. I talk too long, and then they always demand me on subsequent calls. I understand that some people feel that that is the way to get the best deal for themselves. Or they want something a little special or different done to their order. I used to operate that way; but it took my lazy butt 3 weeks to ship orders or I forgot to clarify things to the guys (or gals) in the back. Thus, slow, screwed up shipping. So, in exchange for reasonably accurate same or next day shipping, I am banned from the phone. Moreover, I am here 8-14 hours per day, doing other things (besides mailing Dan Knight cat turds in Shoka-kola tins) to keep this company running. Painting helmets, stocking inventory, running the factory, yelling at the phone company, updating the website, prototyping new stuff, and rolling around naked on the pile of original SS camo on the floor of my office. I simply do not have time to yap on the phone. The girls are much better at it than I am. I wrack my little brain when doing the website to pre-empt as many questions as possible by being as clear and candid as possible. 80% of the questions we get amount to having not read the descriptions on the site. It may suck in some cases, but 95% of the time this works well. If the girls have a question they can't answer, they will usually ask me directly.
I'm not uninvolved, just unavailable.
Make Me One!
Part II
Jumbo Sizes No More
Again, this isn't a rant, this is an explanation. (Yes, I feel fine. Sorry, I'll come up with something to rail against shortly. Send me an action doll...)
You may or may not have noticed the notes on some size charts indicating that the BIG sizes will not be restocked. This is a business decision, not a discriminatory or judgemental act. Sizes larger than XXL jackets and 44 waist just do not sell in any numbers worth talking about. It took over a year to sell a dozen XXXL paratrooper jackets; as opposed to 350-400 XL's. Re-enactors apparently aren't THAT big.
The obvious question: Why can't you whip a few out anyway...just so me and my friends (wife, parents etc, etc) who are super-sized can play too?
Answer: We are way behind on production. Just as "paratrooper mania" has crippled our ability to get much of anything German made, it has made our time very important. Making items that do not sell is a waste of what little we have to spare. In the time it took to make those dozen XXXL's that sat on the shelf for a year, we could have made a dozen L's and moved them in 2 weeks. (or less) The fact that they require 30-40% more fabric resulting in a net loss of about 18-20 L or XL jackets that could have been made is another factor. We also have trouble fitting the jumbo sizes. Although most people in the 3X and larger category are average people with caloric enhancements around the middle, there are body builders, some natural giants, basketball players, and a few teenagers who (we are told) are simply "big boned".This adds still more headaches when trying to pattern these things.
Result: We will not be making sizes other than M, L, and XL jackets or 34, 36, 38, and 40 trousers on a regular basis. Sorry, but those sizes fill 90% of the orders. Sizes S, XXL, and "Long" jackets and 30, 32, 42 or 44 trousers will be made when and if we have time. Sizes larger (or smaller) than those are out of the question.
What are big people to do? Cortislim? Propaline? Buy some action figures and change hobbies? Although the thought of influencing anyone to buy dolls or give into the snake-oil salescum is abhorent, I only have a couple of recommendations at this time. Vendors that do offer custom made garments:
Bill Bureau: website or tel:(508-543-8315 (before 10pm EST, please!))
GMAX: website or tel: (604) 662-7618
Make Me One!
You guys have a bunch of sewing machines and a paint brush. What's yer best cash price today fer a splinter B Panzer Kombi with a 101st patch and a snow camo fallschermjagger helmite?
This is an on-going problem. I suppose it's a logical conclusion to draw. We blather about having our own factory, so people assume we can whip up whatever we (or they) want. Apparently, I should be more specific and explain that it is not capable of fulfilling each and every militaria fantasy.
Why not?
On the surface, it seems like a logical or perfect niche. However, custom orders are inefficient and they attract a large percentage of clients who are, putting it mildly, jackasses. Not that we don't know a few as it is (myself being one), but they make custom orders completely untenable as a business. Huh? From an efficiency standpoint, it takes 2-5 times as much labor time to do odd jobs. Making a special pattern and using non-standard trimmings takes a lot of time. Then the real fun begins: dealing with the inevitable returns for tweaking and "perfectifying" something for people who are rarely satisfied. Just ask any of the helmet painter guys. "Why Lord? Why did I do this????" Their hair is grayer and their blood pressure is through the roof. A notable percentage of people who want things made "all special" will drive you fuckin' nuts. That's why I have chosen the following principle to operate by:
We got what we've got. We won't lie about what we've got. We won't take your money unless we've got it. You'll get it quick. If you don't like it, send it back we'll give you a refund. Quickly. If you want something we ain't got, tough. We're not making a special one; because you probably won't like it either, we probably couldn't make it fast enough (yesterday) and then we're stuck with it. No custom orders. Go it?
Dirty = Authentic.
Clean = FARB!
Lately there has been alot of fretting over cleanliness.
How do I clean my smock?
Your wool trousers weren't pressed and creased when I opened the box!
Can I dry clean my Paratrooper outfit?
How do I clean my helmet?
The "US" on my canteen cover has faded after a year. Can you put a fresh one on?
I can't polish my belt because the stitches won't be white anymore.
OK. Simple question. Apparently not simple enough.
Q: What are you guys trying to portray?
A: Soldiers. W.W.II combat troops. (Including but not limted to paratroopers.)
This may be news, but Europe, Russia and I think the rest of the world have something called "dirt." Dirt is everywhere, under everything. Your feet (unless you're a gymnast or that chick on the internet), the grass, under the roads, on the hills and in the valleys. War, that thing that soldiers are involved in, throws lots of dirt around. Worse, when it rains, dirt becomes mud. Mud is very dirty. Mud turns everything brown, gray or even black. Soldiers are generally outside most of the time...when it rains they don't get to quit and go home until it stops. Consequently, war is very, very dirty. Are you with me so far?
OK, to look the part, you should not be very clean. Not that all soldiers are inherently piggish, but they often have no chance to wash themselves or their uniforms (or helmets) for days, weeks or months at a time. I know some of you have only seen mud and rain on the TV...but trust me, it's there. Lots of it. Don't wash your stuff. For God's sake, don't press it. There's nothing more fruity than an SS Grenadier, loaded for bear, with creased trousers. Geek! Maintain your gear, oil the leather, patch the holes, oil and clean your weapons. Clean skivvies and an undershirt are OK. You can't see them. You don't have to stink, but that's realistic too.
A 16 year-old wearing an east German uniform and boots, a Spanish helmet with a cover and carrying a Turkish Mauser, covered in filth, looks far more authentic than a the chubby dude from Nebraska in the spiffiest, freshly pressed Janke tunic, shiny Deibel boots, a smock reaking of "Downey", the best gear that money can buy. The upside is that not only does dirt look good, it can also camoflage alot. Best of all...it's free! Try it.
More B.O.B. Re-enactor Nitwittery...imagine that.
This section isn't about militaria problems. It's about Band Of Brothers Re-enactors. I thought the Marines were supposed to be the meatheads. And don't give me crap about making fun of paratroopers. I was one in the real Army. So I earned the right to make fun. (Jump school is not difficult anyway. All the girls in my class finished.....)
This rant is just an overview, since there are far too many antics to cover here.
Here are some paratrooping facts for the heroes/movie stars in the making:
First and foremost: We use original WWII examples, NOT movie props.
The gear in the movies is reproduction, you nitwits!
I realize that BOB has breathed new meaning into many, many peoples' lives, but we are striving to supply WWII Re-enactors. I am not familiar with any "Mini-series Re-enacting" organizations. The fact that our jump jacket doesn't match the one on your TV screen concerns me about as much as the calories in a BigMac concern Monica Lewinsky. Don't give a shit. News flash to Beavis: the one on the TV is a repro probably made in Mexico. WTF would we be doing copying those? Even if we did, you still wouldn't look like Matt Damon.
1. Band of Brothers was very well done, but it was not flawless. Despite having that "freeze frame" feature on your DVD player, trying to study militaria by oogling actors running by the camera (wearing reproductions) is NOT the best method of perfecting your paratrooperness.
2. We use real, they-were-there ( In World War II, not the mini-series prop room) original, 100% authentic samples to make our reproductions. Most of the criticism we get (about our products) is the result of false assumptions on the part of thoroughly uneducated enthusiasts. It's OK to be ignorant, but you don't need to make an ass of yourself. Much fun as it may be when you're spending a quiet evening at home with your action figure...
Several examples of common false assumptions concerning Jump Uniforms:
(I currently own 9 originals. My information is based upon first hand examination of actual period uniforms in my office as well as the War Department assembly instructions given to the manufacturers. Not pictures of re-enactors, not a paused B.O.B. DVD, not a sellers' attempt to explain away oddities of the "original" he's trying to sell you at a show and not the blanket statements ("they NEVER or they ALL had or did such and such") made by a unit commander or message board expert. Short of "being there" I've got the next best thing. Lots of uniforms that WERE there. I prefer facts over opinions, assumptions and conjecture.)
1. Not all zippers are Talon. Most are nickel plated, not brass.
2. Not all snaps are zinc plated. Some are brass, some black brass.
3. There is no one and only "khaki". (Let's not go there.)
4. They were not made from denim. The fabric is rather thin for a field uniform. It's equivalent to the fabric used in Docker's slacks. (That's why they had to re-inforce the things.)
5. Not every member of the 506th had pockets on his sleeves.
6. Not every member of the 101st Airborne Division was in the 506th.
7. The 506th was not the only unit to fight in WWII!!!!
8. The current grand prize winner:
Snacky Cake Capacity: A few scientists have trumpeted the virtues of the cargo pockets on other reproduction jump trousers. Specifically, they hold more food...and ours apparently are not large enough to properly preserve the shape of K ration boxes. Consequently, ours are wrong.
Silly me. I apologize for being so naive as to have used a mint pair of WWII trousers to gauge our patterns. I cannot believe my stupidity! In the future, I promise to base pocket dimensions on the number of Little Debbies or boxes of Cheezie Poofs they will hold. Perhaps we should recall all 3,000 pairs of trousers we have sold and refit them with larger, more "Snacky Cake Friendly" pockets so guys don't starve during a hard-fought 4 hour re-enactment. Aaaaaagh!
Yes, we are single handedly ruining the collecting market.
Dear Exalted Collectors of Militaria....
Once again (and again and again and again....) we will not stamp "reproduction" on our uniforms and gear. What is with the sudden deluge of "collectors" who are too damned lazy to educate themselves in even the most rudimentary fashion? These guys have three main characteristics:
They are Americans.
They collect paratrooper junk.
They believe whatever they read.
Hmmm.
Here's two clues for ya.
1. Original uniforms are only once in a blue moon found in any size larger than a 40R. If the label says "48L" or "XXXXXXL"...it probably ain't real. OK?
2. If it says "Kirkman" or "Crawford", we made it. Don't argue about it. Trust us. That's my grandparents' names.
Counterpoint(s):
A: If we stamp "reproduction" on this crap, then the lazy twits will raise hell about that in a year or two. Why? Because Doofus and Buckwheat will rapidly draw the semi-logical yet erroneous conclusion that anything that doesn't say "reproduction" in big black letters (or flashing lights) must be original. When they proudly start sporting their 110% Belgian collector certified woodland camo ultra rare M1944 Jump Uniform...and the professors inform them of the blood pouring from their poopers...they'll howl at us.
B: German repros have been stamped with hundreds of different maker marks for DECADES. We've had exactly zero complaints about that. Perhaps because they're not in English....? Doofus is under the impression (probably heard it from Buckwheat) that this label or marking thing is a new concept.
Bottomline: If you have half a noodle between your pointy little ears, you can tell the difference. There are a variety of ways. (I'm not getting into all of them here.) Collecting involves education. A good collector uses common sense, is suspicious of all dealers and takes the time to try to learn as much as they can about their subject of interest. Sorry, if this doesn't fit your all-American "I want my desires fulfilled NOW!" attitude.
The rest of the world seems to get it. Why can't we?
Quit watching BOB on continuous loop and go do something constructive.
Dear Learned Professors,
Get an education.
Dammit.
Thanks, ATF
It seems that "Airborne Mania" has led to a dumbing down of re-enactors as a whole. The new generation is impatient, thinks they know everything and getting an education is an alien concept. The "way it was" is the way they want it or the way they fantasize that it should be. Despite the plethora of information and the relative abundance of original U.S. gear, the new yahoos have either never bothered to examine or read any of it, or paid no attention to it if they did. The "all-matching khaki everything" imbeciles were the first wave. The new goat ropers are wetting their drawers over our field gear. They don't like the little black lines. Think we spilled shit on it....
Jesus H. Christ! Last year, these characters wanted us to add marks to their gear that didn't have it. Make up your minds you lunatics!
Here's the deal. Again. We have lots of original stuff. I go to great pains to get the markings and such right. Creating the stencils to make the little black marks took many, many hours. They were there on originals.
"Huh? I never saw nuthin'!"
If the item is used, the marks usually will have worn off. They are normally visible on unissued gear. They vary in size and intensity depending on the manufacturer.
Those little marks are to show the people in the factory where to put the straps or make folds. It keeps the pockets and straps evenly spaced and such. Try taking a 24 inch long piece of 3 3/4" wide webbing, and making 5 equal pockets on a 16" backing; free-hand.
Without marking it.
I'll give you $100 if you can do it in front of me, in one pass, in less than 5 minutes.
The marks will wear off with use. Oh, shit. I let the cat out of the bag...now you all know that it won't look new forever. Might fade. Or get dirt on it. What will you do? The terrible life we lead in this country..the pain, oh the pain.
You can not like it, but it is correct.
Yes. I'm annoyed enough with this bit of ignorance to take pictures. And yes, these are o-r-i-g-i-n-a-l Cartridge Belts.
Better get the diaper ready....
See, black marks everywhere. Maybe that's why it's unissued...the soldiers refused to wear such crap so this was a leftover. |
Omigod Monica! There's black stuff on your belt....
Fashion Victim! Its got lice! Eeeewwww! |
Holy shit! 3 different shades of webbing? Sacrilege! Somebody call the War Department and notify them of the filth they are trying to issue our men in uniform. Can you imagine anybody agreeing to be seen in combat in such a thing? That would be, like, so totally shameful! |
NEWS FLASH! CLOTHES FADE WHEN WASHED!
Holy shit Batman...!
The aftermath of over-enthusiastic mothering part 28. What do some of you helpless types do? Buy new clothes when the ones you're wearing start to stink? Or call your Mom? For crying out loud, this is about as common sensical as keeping your hand out of the fire, waiting for the lawnmower to stop before cleaning the blade, accepting the fact that farts smell, and unzipping your pants before you let Mr. Wiggly spill the gold. Apparently, a disturbing number of people (adults we must assume) have no experience washing their own clothes. How do you get dressed? Mommy, Dad or sis'? Let me guess, you have those velcro straps on your shoes too....
If you know how to operate a washing machine, or your gray matter is such that you have even successfully deduced how to hand wash garments, this tirade is a waste of your time and you can disregard.
Since it apparently is news to more than a few paratrooper types, here we go:
If you wash, wear, or put them in the sun, cotton garments eventually fade. Some faster than others, but all fade some day. Yes, even the spiffy crap you buy at Banana Republic, Abercrombie, J. Crew, Walmart, Burlington Coat Factory, and At the Front. It's not a flaw or a mistake (aside from the fact that it apparently injures your tender sensibilities). We have no way to make jump uniforms that will keep their "sheen" forever. If you bag it and store it in a trunk or closet, yes. Maybe. There is nothing wrong with it. We won't take it back after 3 years because you feel it doesn't look the same as it did before 145 washings. Same goes for all camo. Since it's doubtful that any of these Turnip truck riders were in the real military, another news flash. BDU's fade after awhile too. Our uniforms hold up about the same.
"But I am not satisfied!"
Once again, here's how to minimize fading and make your cotton garments last longer:
Wash in cold water. Use mild detergent. Hang dry.
Fading even 1% is unacceptable?
Wrap garment in a pillow case, store in a temperature controlled, fireproof, air tight vault.
"Yes dammit! Airborne Mania is as bad as I say it is."
More doubters. Seems they now think that "we're out to get them Germans" by not making them purty uniforms with the swasteekas. Such a cycle is the norm amongst re-enactors. Denial of a request equates a hidden agenda, a scheme to control, or some other devious plan as yet undiscovered. Whether it's the organizers of an event refusing to let Panzerobergrenadier Fluffy park his Ford Explorer on the grass in front of the barracks, a unit commander exercising some judgement and not permitting an officer to enlisted man ratio of 2 to 3, or a supplier being honest and stating that they can't make a certain item (or items) for awhile. They're always afraid that someone is out to steal their show, impugn their authenticity, get promoted before them, or earn a wound badge for falling out of a tree. (When you suffered a bleeder from a Crossman 760 and no one gave YOU a medal.).
If it came to be known that no one really gave a shit about all of these stupendous concerns of oppression, they'd die of depression, since their reason for being would have evaporated. It's the "nobody loves me" syndrome. Attention equals recognition, recognition is the goal (Pellet rifle wounds, building a Panther from beer cans, etc) and denial in any form is a rejection of recognition so there ya go.
Thus, not making Fluffy a tunic = We Hate Fluffy. (The fact that Fluffy's friends, co-workers, wife, parents, extended family and even his pet hamster are doing paratrooper impressions is irrelevant.)
We are honestly having a great deal of trouble filling in the gaps. The paratrooper-to-everyone else ratio is about 3 to 1 on a good day. Three quarters of all phone calls involve "would a paratrooper have worn this....or?"
It is THAT bad. We have a limited production capacity and we are captive to an item that sells as quickly as M42 jump uniforms.
Yes, just for a change of pace, I personally would like to make some other stuff. But we have to pay the bills, and until other stuff sells like paratroopers, we will not be able to go full bore on anything else.
Fluffy, sorry you didn't get awarded the Knight's Cross for rescuing the baby bird from the poo mound in the port-a-potty at the Reading Air Show. It was a noble and self sacrificing gesture, saving one of God's creatures like that, but the Kriegsrat fur Orderen den Neue Deustche Soldaten of Indiana feels that it wouldn't be authentic to have more than 6 Knight's Cross holders in a 12 man unit. Perhaps if you had been a paratrooper you could have gotten a CMH or a DSC. Better luck next time.
Helmet Recipes
"Did you guys know that if you put your helmet in the microwave, bad, bad things happen? How do I paint my helmet?"
See, this sort of "event" or "action" or "minor mis-interpretation" is exactly why we do not divuldge or give out certain instructions. It's not always for corporate security or trade secrecy. It's to prevent less talented individuals from maiming themselves or their families with gems like this. Yes, we do use heat to cure paint on helmets and hardware. But, we thought, any genius knows that you do not microwave metal. No, we won't tell you how we generate the heat to cure them, because of the great chance that a misunderstanding will result in death, diememberment or God knows what else that we could never imagine but some genius will whip up in 12 seconds flat. We WILL NOT tell you what to do. But....
Here's what NOT to do:
1. Do not use a microwave. (Just in case the hint from above was missed.)
2*. Do not use the oven in the kitchen. Curing paint smokes and will set off smoke alarms.
3*. Do not use an oven in which you ever intend to cook food again. The residual paint fumes will poison your food.
4. It may be illegal in many places. EPA and all....
5. Do not use an open flame. Most paint is flammable. That means it will burn. Like catch on fire. Fire is hot. It can hurt.
6. Heat lamps may work, but we won't discuss it for fear of the village idiot hurting himself or someone nearby.
* Your Mom or wife (or life partner...whatever) will kick your silly ass for making the house and kitchen reak like Sherwin Williams.
Bottomline; We do not recommend any specific method to cure paint. We officially advise you not to attempt it and we bear no responsibility for your failure or success in this matter. Yes, this kind of crap is apparently necessary. Blame the school systems.
Thank you.
Ebay Disclaimer
Pissy Collectors:</b> Don't waste your time sending us more snotty emails accusing us of single handedly ruining the militaria market. You people are pathetic and spineless. Reproductions have been around for 50 years. We sold over 500 repro FJ helmets in the last 18 months. There is quite obviously an honest market for them. Namely, people who don't have $3500 to shell out for originals. Maybe they have real lives and families with the accompanying responsibilities and aren't millionaires, but they still enjoy militaria. Yes, there are swine everywhere trying to peddle fakes to suckers. <B> BUT WE AREN'T ONE OF THEM.</b> If you jerks had a pair between the lot of you, you'd confront the scumbags who populate every damned show in the country. It's alot harder to confront the weasels in person (or court?) than to bravely send us snippy emails. We make damned fine reproductions. We sell them as reproductions and nothing else. However, we are not the only manufacturer...we are simply accessible. Most of the great fakes are made by nameless (and faceless) persons in Europe. It would be nice if something could be done about the scumbags. But huffing and puffing at us will do you exactly zero good and double that in preventing fraud. <br>If you base your entire decision concerning the authenticity of an item on a label, a stamp or the word of the seller alone, you're an exposed orifice waiting to be rammed full of crooked, unlubricated and splintery con-artist phallus. Collecting original stuff takes time, effort and education..if you want to avoid being violated.
I notice that your website has not been updated since April 2002.
Why not?"
Translation: "I suspect you have what I want but neglected to put it on the site."
or
"There must be something nefarious about your business 'cause I keep refreshing the Jap underwear page and it never changes."
Here we go again. Although I have been gradually culling through all the webpages to eliminate Mr. K's ever enthusiastic and hopeful "Refresh this page often! We update all the time!" blurbs, the confusion only gets worse.
Please read this and pay attention:
1. We are not so baked, fried, drunk, stoned, high, special (aka "retarded") or incompetent as to receive a $20,000 load of mint, unissued jump boots and forget to put them on the site. Likewise, in the event that I AM hoarding some wonderous treasure, I'm not going to tell anybody about it, even if they do have the secret password. When I'm done rolling around naked in it on the floor of my office, then I'll put it on the site and let it go.
2. WE UPDATE THE SITE ALMOST DAILY. For those of you with no web experience, a webSITE is made up of one or more webPAGES. A WEBPAGE is a FILE within the WEBSITE. Our WEBSITE is made up of about 260 WEBPAGES or individual files. When I update the SITE, I only update the 2 or 3 (or whatever is necessary) PAGES relevant to the items which have arrived or been sold out. If you will check this page, the NEW page, the one you are on right now, you will notice a chronology a few inches below this text as to what has been changed on the site over the last month or so.
3. No, we are not going out of business, despite your suspicions being stoked due to your sleuthful skills deducing that the US sleeve awards page has not been updated since April 9, 2003. Read #2 again.
I'm not sure what has pushed this trend. We used to get this routine once or twice a month, but now it's 3 or 4 per day. We are here, the site is fixed constantly and we will put new stuff on here the moment it arrives. If it's not on here, we don't have it. We do not advertise what we don't have. Promise!
Hyper-anal type Warning: We've had several esteemed collectors (they made certain that we knew they were higher on the food chain than mere re-enactors) get snotty over the "US" marking on these covers. Several were quite offended that the marking was not perfectly centered in between the re-inforcing stitches. Originals are often slightly or extremely off-center. But, just for clarification as to why we can't promise perfection to those who reside in the land of La La; The 7 stitch rows are done "manually", one row at a time. This means that the rows themselves are not going to be spaced 100% evenly. It's nearly impossible. Compounding this fact, the markings are stenciled on the fabric beforethey are sewn, like originals.
Another learned professor took issue with my choice of font. In his world, there is only one letter style used for the "U.S." on all 127 million pieces of gear made during the War.
All of these nuts live in a world called "Lalaland". It's a country seen on the horizon about 37 minutes into the "Wizard of Oz" where everything is neat and orderly, perfection is always attained despite historical fact(s), vendors will break their backs supinating in slavish attempts to please their customers no matter how insane the request. I wish them luck on their next trip home!
Our gear is as good or better than originals, and that's the best we're going to do. No two of my originals have the marking in exactly the same spot, several are very much off-center and I have a mint size 46R M1943 field jacket with 2 left sleeves. Huh? Yes, original stuff can be very fucked up. So, if your tolerance for centered "U.S." 's is 1/64", you need to consult NASA, Tiffany's or a Mercedes dealer. |
The Gap. Never ceases to amaze me...
1. "If Hitler had done X, not Y and perhaps Z, then the Third Reich would have been victorious! And I could have worn my German uniform every day!"
What makes you think they would have given you one? The SD had a program for people like you. "T4" it was called....
2. Rip the jacket off the mannequin. Doesn't believe us when we tell (and show) genius the size. Dr. Einstein discovers that we're, right, he's wrong, and then gets very pissed when we ask him to put the thing back on. (We had others under the table so there was no need to strip Fred; perhaps he wanted to check for nipples...?)
3. Snow is found to be slippery! War Cancelled due to safety concerns!
Suggestion; invest in one of those inflatable play pens like they use at Chucky Cheese. And no bayonets, hobnails, or guns. Hire a lawyer and keep him within 3 meters to enforce the safety rules.
4. "Do you have this in a 42 waist?" When we look back up from the box under the table, it and the "customer" are gone. So much for display boards. Now we'll have to put cables and locks on uniforms too.
The thieves: From what we could tell, they were 100% re-enactors. Ditto for all the other dealers who got pilfered. Pathetic.
The torture:
Our cap and gear arrangement was most entertaining. All caps had 4-8 3" ribbed nails holding them to the styrofoam heads and all gear is wired to plywood display boards. The same sad scene repeated itself over and over...a cross between Tar Baby and a lab rat trying to lift the trap door for the scooby snack. You'd think, once genius noticed the nails (or wires) holding the hats or gear to the display, they'd give up. Naw. They just get really mad and pull harder. I think I'll put a cat turd with a pretty pink bow on it under each hat as a prize for those clever enough to get all of the nails out. Or maybe a dog biscuit? Naw. Cat shit sounds better...
Anything left loose or unsecured on our tables from now on is liable to be booby-trapped. Check before you steal.
|
International Customers: Shipping for orders going outside the US is not cheap. This can't be news to you people. I'm certain of that. Perhaps it's the weak dollar and everyone figures that we're desperate and we'll negotiate our postal systems rates. The ebay winners are especially charming:
"Shipping is $40"
..."I'll offer yoo $20."
Sure, we'll eat $20 on a $50 order in the interest of international diplomacy. Then the threats to "expose" our dastardly policies when the their customs office sticks it to them. Cute. We're quivering...
Here's a refresher course in the facts of life for international packages.
1. Shipping isn't cheap.
2. We don't pull the shipping rates out of our asses. The post office pulls them from their rectums. Complain to them. We do add a $5 surcharge to all international orders; there are reams of documents to fill out and several hours spent at the post office every Friday. They are a lot of work.
3. Likewise, we have absolutely no control over your country's import duties and taxes. It would seem that even your garden variety moron would be able to deduce this fact, but apparently not. Perhaps the French Customs Office only publishes their rates in English?
4. We will not undervalue or falsify the waybills and shipping documents. Why not? Fraud. How? Use your imagination. Credit card charge for $500. Invoice in box says $50. Hmmm...
We've been burned before. You can all thank a nice little jerk-off from Belgium. He ruined the fun for everyone..
5. Mark the package as a gift! Sorry. Won't fly. We take 30-60 packages to the post every week. Despite the rumors about postal workers being mentally deficient...they aren't so stupid as to believe that we have 60 girlfriends overseas who we send chocolates to every week. Also, it often doesn't work. Many customs offices now charge duties on gifts as well.
6. Good Option: Find a friend in the US. Several foreign customers have us ship to someone in the States, who then forwards them their package as a low value gift.
Again, the highlights about international shipping:
It costs more than shipping within the U.S.. A lot more.
We will not pay your duties and taxes.
We will not undervalue or send false invoices.
We don't send gifts.
If you don't like this situation, don't order from us. There's bound to be some militaria company willing to ship them for free. If you find one, let us know so we can pass the info along!
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EBAY ANTICS
The Militaria Fan Chat Circle is in full swing again. MFCC members have now decided that bidding on Ebay is a great way to while away those long lonely hours in between events, military shows and Star Wars premiers. Bidding being the operative term. When the auction ends, legions of MFCC members politely email us to explain that they didn't really mean to bid and that they really don't want the item after all. Some claim momentary lapses in judgment (brainfart), some claim that they just wanted to "reserve an order", while others protest that they didn't really understand what the item was but bid 'cause their finger slipped. (Too much K.Y. on the keyboard?) Once in awhile is to be expected, but not 3-4 every damned day for weeks. If you yo-yos don't "understand" what the item is, Y-TF are you bidding on it??? We have some of the clearest photos and descriptions on Ebay, so our lack of clarity as to what the item is is not the problem. As with most incidents of numbnuttery, this one is not isolated and random, but rather endemic.
Being nice has only encouraged more silliness. I'm sorry that "you're a winner" emails from Ebay are such an additive opiate for some of you. Tough. Enough of this nonsense. Here's the deal.
ATF Ebay Policies
1. If you win the auction, and fail to pay or contact us in 30 days, negative feedback goes up. If you can't afford it, don't bid!
2. If you "change your mind", you are responsible for the auction fees. Just cancel your bids before the auction ends. It takes 30 seconds. Mess around and bad feedback goes up.
3. We will no longer accept payment from anyone's account other than that of the buyer! Too many chuckleheads are screwing around having their "buddies" pay for their auctions and having us ship to yet a third address that doesn't match either of their information. There's too much fraud going on and we will not enable it.
4. We do not pay your customs duties! 30% of all English, French and Belgian customers ( a 4th Crusade...?) scream, howl and throw tantrums insisting that we should pay their customs fees. The other 70% of their countrymen and the rest of the planet understand this one without remedial instruction.
Hey Baby....
Not that this rant has a damned thing to do with reenacting, but it's come to my attention that we're surrounded by perverts. We've been told for years that sex was bad, hormones were Satan's temptations and frequent waxing of the carrot was the primary cause of blindness. The charge was led for centuries by the Church. And then came Jim Bakker. And Swaggart. And that little matter with John Geoghan (R.I.P.) and a few hundred of his friends.Oops. Bill Clinton tried to define "relationship" to us, but that bombed too. So with the guardians of American's morality shooting themselves in their hypocritical feet and heads with such regularity, what are we supposed to do?
Cruise the Internet and play "Tricks for Tots"! What a great idea. These misguided pervs, in their quest to "protect the children" (the usual excuse) ply the chat rooms and web logs looking for victims...er friends.
If nothing else, don't they know that some stranger has a log of their darkest and most depraved conversations? And digital images of them having the cat lick whipped cream off of their privates?
It'd be one thing, if these whackos were, well, run of the mill whackos. But they tend to be "respectable" and educated members of the community. Teachers, doctors, firemen, screen writers, actors, soldiers, sailors, rabbis and homeland security officials. I wonder if it's really a random occurrence that many pervs gravitate toward careers that place them in positions of trust or authority. Let me put this another way. Not all teachers are pervs, but wouldn't a perv love to be a teacher? One more time, considering last week's insulted masses: I'm picking on the pervs, not the careers themselves or 99% of the people who choose them. OK?
Get to the point? I'm trying. After the arrest of Brian Doyle, and watching the Perverted Justice busts the last few months on MSNBC (all innocent until proven guilty...don't forget) I'm sputtering. It's sick, pathetic and so damned stupid.
Judging from this, it appears that the best policy for parents and kids is to trust no one, and keep a particularily close eye on those we're told to trust automatically. Hell, just give your kids stun guns and make sure they know how to use them.
I'm sure if that demonic wench hadn't seduced Brother Jim, none of this would ever have happened. Either the Apocalypse is nigh, or somebody has simply flipped on the lights and the cockroaches were caught in the middle of kitchen floor with their pants down...
Here we go again...
Peepa Kings Part 2
I know, I know ignorance is bliss and all, but it would be nice if people would learn, even just a little bit. It's one thing, when people get burned by high-quality, skillfully made fakes. Nonetheless embarrassing for the victims, but not out-and-out just go put the gun in your mouth humiliating. OK, not quite so bad as being featured on CNN being busted for trying to seduce 12 year olds, but still less than a banner day.
What now? Bad peepa. And people are still bidding furiously for the chance to humiliate themselves in a misguided quest to unintentionally collect fakes. And these things scream "fake". They don't need a warning label or a red flag because they're so slimy that anything you tried to attach to them would slide off. In most cases, I can't identify the foolish individuals because the seller, in a gracious move to conceal the bidder's stupidity, uses "private" auctions.
Every red flag I've ranted about is present on all but a couple of these things. "All sales final" (= no returns when you find out you've had a colonoscopy), private auctions, childish excuses and shrieking in reply to negative feedback, vague descriptions, price way too low, and the word "original" curiously being absent from the descriptions.
What is it this time? A Luftwaffe paratrooper jumpsmock. Splinter A. With white interior. And YKK zippers...
Conversely, several M-1C paratrooper helmets have run lately, which appear to be very bad, but I'm not sure that the seller wasn't himself burned. He has excellent feedback and a liberal return policy...but the pictures were rather vague in the important areas. However, enough details were visible that the helmets were clearly to be regarded as "socially unacceptable".
I do understand that many people are either new to collecting or are simply ignorant of the fact that the waters of militaria dealing are shark infested. It just burns me up when, despite the 4 foot high dorsal fins circling their rowboat, tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum hop right on into the water. By the dozen. I get tired of hearing them cry for warning labels on all repros. If they would pay even a little attention to the information that is readily available these days, my ears wouldn't hurt as much and they'd still have two legs.
In the interest of these two specific "problems" I'll try to get info regarding original FJ smocks and M-1C's posted in the next few days. If anyone knows of websites that cover these topics clearly, with good explanations, send them over and I may use them instead or in addition to my info.
See? I can be constructive. I don't spend all my time trying to pull peoples' chains.
Reproduction Jackboots
Take 3
These things are finally in. I pulled several pairs and they are slightly better than the pre-production sample, the inverse condition to that which happened with the SM and Interordnance boots. These boots are not related in any way to the past reproduction jackboots we carried several years ago. These are totally different animals. They have not one scrap of DNA in common with the either batch of our earlier jackboots. We have contracted these directly with the manufacturer. Those last two batches were "brokered" by SM and then Interordnance. In those cases we received a good quality sample, followed by seriously flawed shipments. They were the most troublesome product we have ever carried and I swore never to mess with them again. However, it appears that the 3rd time is the charm.
These boots are made by the same company that has made all of our other boots in the last year and a half. I spent a week with the owner of the shoe company and he is adamant about making a good quality product rather than the cheapest possible one. Our problems have been very few and far between with their products. The jackboots are similar in construction to our M42 Lowboots. Of around 650 pairs sold (of lowboots) our flaw tally to date consists of approximately 5 pairs with leather flaws (thin spots, a tear, etc), one lost heel, two with loose stitching, a half dozen lost half their hobnails, and another dozen had a loose eyelet. All except the first flaw we were able to fix in our shop. That's a defect rate of about 3%. Compared to other reproductions we've carried, that's somewhere between great and excellent.
Why brown? I agonized over this. Honestly. But we had a sample made in black and it didn't look right. Inky jet black just looks wrong. Originals started out brown, and usually have a bit showing through. This was not a scheme to sell dye or another one of my sadistic stunts. Actually I was bribed by some Luftwaffe and WWI re-enactors...
Why won't we dye them? We won't dye them here as it takes too long for the boots to dry and we don't have the space to spare for rows of wet boots. It's not terribly difficult (for most people) to do this themselves. No one has screamed yet, but it's only a matter of time. Despite hours of pondering hypothetical scenarios in the office, a few special types will always outmaneuver us no matter how hard we try to idiot-proof things.
What if they fall apart? If the jackboot gremlins reappear, we have the ability to exchange or refund these boots. As I said, this time, the production boots look better than the samples did. This time, it honestly looks like we got it right.
Price Change: Nothing dastardly going on here. I (the owner) cannot operate a damned calculator. I not only added the customs duties, dock fees, and shipping charges incorrectly, I divided by 500 instead of 700. Yes, I was sober. Just a moron. $199 was the original target price, but my incompetence led me to believe our cost was about $60 higher than it really was. Anyway, the 21 or 22 people who bought boots last week will be refunded the difference on Monday. If you want a credit instead of a refund, contact us before noon or else we'll probably have already refunded your credit cards.
Thanks,
Meathead
Punitive Shipping Slowdown |
Due to unintended consequences of our shipping policies, we are forced to inflict a dose of reality on some of our customers. From now until the end of time, we will only ship orders when and if we feel like it, so long as we have nothing better to do and it is no later than 1:50 pm GMT. Additionally, if the order is heavy (exceeds 2 pounds), complicated (more then 3 items) or the address is exceptionally long, difficult to read or misspelled (Gina failed 4th grade) there will likely be an additional time delay of a period not to exceed several weeks. If the order arrives on a weekend, a holiday or late at night, we won't bother with it for awhile as we'll be asleep, drunk, watching MTV or pooping.
Were you people hatched from test-tubes or what? Raised by groundhogs? Or Paris Hilton?
In 1998, it took us about 2 weeks to get orders out.* Other dealers now chide me at shows because their customers give them hell since they take several days to get an order together and ship it. We also catch some flak when people call to add something to their order and are informed that it's too late, the order is already on the way. The majority go out the within 24 hours, often the same day. However, we do have a few limitations when it comes to instant gratification of militaria fetishes.
1. It takes a package more then 2 days to reach France. Especially when you haven't paid for it yet. Quit whining to us. We didn't torch your Peugeot.
2. Once the UPS truck leaves for the day, we can't call them back. Every Friday, somebody calls about 3:58 PM screaming for Saturday delivery of a belt buckle. If you can sweet talk Gina into driving 35 miles to the hub after she gets off work...on a Friday, be my guest. When you complain to me on Monday about our customer service...I promise not to laugh. Too much.
3. On the rare occasion that we agree to do something special, like an alteration or painting a helmet, do not expect a 5 minute turn around. It will usually take a few days. Maybe one, perhaps three. Every damned time that we have acquiesced to a special request lately, the customer calls a few hours later asking whether it's done yet. Then gets pissy. Things have to gone to hell in a handbasket ever since they changed the name for retarded to "special". For the upteenth time, this sort of bullshit is why we have a "no custom orders" policy.
4. We ship post office orders first thing Friday mornings. Only Friday mornings. If, for whatever reason, your order is being shipped via USPS, it must be in by Thursday afternoon. Not 2 minutes before close. We will not make daily runs. We don't have time. It's 10 miles away, there's always a line of trailer park residents waiting for their gubment checks and the help still struggles to differentiate Austria, Australia and Austin. Besides, Gina has Polesmoker Mountain playing on the portable DVD player and we don't want to miss the romance scenes.
*Getting orders out = packed and shipped from our premises. This does not include transit time, which is typically 3-5 days depending on what end of the planet you're on.
Recommendations for Event Sponsors:
Here's our two cents worth. I have re-enacted since 1981, and here are some sober, educated and apolitical suggestions:
1. Pre-registration is a loser. You may or may not realize it, but requiring it causes lots of angry people. Offer a discount on the entrance fee for those who pay early, but making it mandatory is perceived as a symptom of "Little Fuhrer Syndrome". If the event is held on US military property, and they require a list of participants ahead of time, or it's a restricted event, that's another story. But when it's a tactical at Bud's farm, it's going to cost you. Re-enactor's frequently fail to plan ahead. They aren't trying to get over on you, they just don't pay attention to their calenders. Don't email me with a laudry list of justifications. Bottom line, especially with tacticals, you're having your friends over to play war. Just because you send out invitations, do not hold it against them if they fail to RSVP. It's not the academy awards or anything. Get a clue.
2. Make arrangements to be able to join one or more organizations at the gate. It's good customer service.
3. Good directions. Offer a map. A legible one. Not one drawn by a 3 year old with a hangover. Some of these places are a bitch to find, especially in the dark. You may have been there a hundred times, but Pvt. Snuffy and Obergruppenfuhrer Washington are new at this. Don't make things more difficult than they need to be.
4. If you are going to have hard-core authenticity standards, make that clear ahead of time. It's easier to get Billy-Joe to shave off his goatee at home, before he's standing at the gate snarling about being screwed.
5. Get some vendor's if you can. If you can provide a roof over their heads and stuff, a vending fee is cool. If you try to hit up Ralph and Fred for dealing a few K98 pouches from their trunk, that's asinine.
6. A Referee or two isn't a bad idea. As much as you claim it won't happen, hit calling will. Just be able to deal with it without getting indignant. If the guy is too fat to see his own toes, how can he look over his shoulder to see that 8 guys are wacking him...you gotta get his attention somehow.
7. Keep your scenarios simple. Don't have a 16 part battle plan and run around with packs of bottle rockets to simulate 150mm barrages. That's so gay even 8 year olds would laugh at you. And do not start the opponents out 3 miles apart. They will inevitably get lost, wander about the forest for 6 hours, get tired, hungry and mean and curse you and your descendants 'til the ends of the Earth. It may look nifty on your computer game but these guys are there for their enjoyment, not to fluff your fantasies of the generalship that you feel should have been yours had you been born in another time. They are not the pieces on your chess board. No matter how exciting it is to finally be able to tell people what to do, don't get silly. No names will be mentioned, most of you know exactly of what I'm speaking.
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